Saturday, May 25, 2013

Zombie Turduckens 2!

That's right folks. THEY'RE BACK! If you didn't catch part one... go here.

This time the "Madden Special" comes in a somewhat different form. You see, John escaped the fiasco in California and shambled his rotting carcass all the way to Miami.

Ohio. He relocated to Miami, Ohio. In all seriousness his goal was Florida, given how it seems to be the final resting place for an awful lot of formerly living people, but he took a wrong turn.

No, not in Albuquerque. It's impossible to take a wrong turn in Albuquerque. Have you ever been there? There's like two highways. One goes left and right, the other up and down. He was going right. No, he took a wrong turn in Dallas. His already muddled and now deceased brain got confused by the fact that there are two Interstate 35's in Texas. And then there's the whole IH 20, 30, 40... by the time he stopped spinning he was already through Kentucky and decided that he was done traveling.[1]

Actually, that's pretty much how most people end up in Miami, OH.

Lurching about he came across a turkey farm, took up roost, and soon had himself a whole crap load of zombie turkeys. Now, as luck would have it, this zombie turkey farm was right next to a huge duck pond. And this particular pond was actually chock full of ducks.

Normally ducks will just fly away when attacked by zombies turkeys. Or just for the hell of it. Ducks are kind of skittish. But these ducks had just flown in from Cincinnati where there's this awesome Mexican restaurant called the Rio Grande. Actually, the food is just awful which is why so much of it ends up being fed to the ducks. But the ducks love it and the ones that don't fall out of the sky from sudden heart failure land in this pond on their way to Toledo where there's this quaint Lebanese joint that serves...

Anyhow. Chompa chompa chewy chewy chomp! The zombie turkeys ate the ducks. And then John bit them all again. Pulsing with an electric blue glow they evolved like Pokemon and became zombie Tur-ducks! With four legs, stunted wings, and fanged beaks they squawked out of the pond bristling with rage! And there, across the pond was a.... yeah I know you guessed it... chicken farm!

By now the commotion put up by John, the turkeys, and the ducks normally suffering from heart disease had made the chicken farmers aware there was something unusual going on. Typically a farm full of chickens and farm hands would have several guns about to keep the coyotes, foxes, and other critters away from their livelihoods. But this chicken farm was run by a commune that believed guns kill people and they didn't want their guns hurting anybody. They actually did have one gun, but it was a flare gun just in case somebody got stranded on the duck pond without their iphone[2] while fishing.

So the only thing they had for weapons were the chickens. The hippies started chanting "Hell no, we won't go!" while chucking chickens at the advancing wave of blue electric zombie tur-ducks.

Behind his horde of evil birds John shambled along thinking he'd seen something similar when Oakland played against Pittsburgh for the AFC championship in 1973.[3] For the chicken farmers, it was totally a no-win situation.

Yup, you guessed it. The tur-ducks ate the chickens as they landed. Electric, blue. Blah blah blah. Quivering with magic and light the tur-ducks became Chickduckeys!


Just kidding. They're Turduckens.

And the chicken ranch hippies died horrifically while unsuccessfully trying to update their Tumblr blogs.[4]

Now, as fate would have it, there were no Detroit Lions fans in Ohio despite it's proximity to Michigan. That and there was no major holiday coming up. And these birds in birds in birds weren't even cooked. So when people saw them skittering through their towns they just pretended they didn't see anything.

As a matter of fact there was a librarian in Wapakoneta that happened to see the horde of evil birds trample right through town in broad daylight. Unlike the original horde of cooked zombie turduckens, these critters were fresh and fast! In only seconds they were gone.

"Brenda? Did you see anything... odd?" Terrence stammered. The deputy sheriff dropped by soon after the horde blew through. He'd always had a thing for Brenda, but had been too shy to do anything but stop by on "official business".

"Nope. But I'm suddenly craving Lebanese food. Is that weird?"

John tried biting Terrence when his back was turned but by now his strength was waning. Terrence thought it was the street hobo known by locals as "the hugger". So Terrence cuffed him and stuffed him[5] and very quickly forgot all about him.

Now I'm sure you've come to realize this zombie horde is heading for Toledo. I mean, who wouldn't? With their mad squawks and saurian heads they tore through the countryside like tiny little six-legged demons.

You might think this is the end for Toledo. Or maybe just the Lebanese in Toledo. You aren't going to believe this. Check this out.

Bowling Green was hosting the International Federation of Competitive Eating for a hot dog eating contest. As the contestants sat there eyeing each other with the disdain that could only be read as, "Ugh. Hot dogs again." the horde entered the town with a rolling storm of dust.

Just seeing the fresh non-pork product animals gave the athletes[6] a sudden surge of adrenaline. Leaping from the stage all six of them ran against the oncoming tide.

Soon there was a calm interrupted only by the sounds of belching and the occasional call for beer.

As everybody congratulated each other for both surviving the zombie turduck-alypse and finally ridding the state of that embarrassing chicken farm, Terrence approached Brenda with a new found confidence.

"Brenda?" Terrence asked, no stammer this time.

"Yes?" She was still brushing glowing feathers from her hair.

"I know a place not far from here. Great Lebanese food. Wanna go?"

"That sounds great! Lemme get my coat."

As he opened the passenger door of his 1999 Chevy Caprice police cruiser she gave him a strange look. "Have your eyes always been so electric blue? It's like they're... glowing."

Terrence simply smiled as he closed the door.[7]

No comments:

Post a Comment