Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Whu...? Bacon?!

Mere moments ago my wife was on the phone with her mother. Still is as a matter of fact.

And here is what I heard.


"No. Keep the bacon. We don't want it."

I about had a heart attack. We don't want bacon? Exactly when did this happen?

So I made a slightly disapproving sound to communicate my disagreement.



"It's turkey bacon. And my mom."

Oh. Ok.

Never mind.

Not what they were talking about

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Psychiatrists Rule

Holy crap snacks. I’ve figured it out.

You know how everyone’s got their own little conspiracy theories about who is controlling the world? I love those movies where it’s a bunch of fat rich white guys, or the Illuminati, or skulls, or some such bullshit.

Like BIG OIL. Some really smart people think the oil industry controls all markets across the world. While their arguments can be convincing, they are wrong.

So so so very wrong.

I have figured it out.

Once upon a time some of those things may have been true. At least to a point.

But not today.

Today all governments, all markets, and all celebrities are controlled by… you are so going to understand this in a moment…

Wait for it…

Worth $10 each on the street.

Think about it. When markets plunge who stands to profit? You don’t see traders jumping outta windows anymore. The shrinks catch and treat them ahead of time. Now think deeper. Not only do the shrinks profit from treating them, but kickbacks from prescribing pharmaceuticals. And what do you think these traders talk to their shrinks about? That’s right. Which stocks are going to crap. Talk about insider trading.

War. Falling markets.  Bailing out banks.  Starving kids in Africa and the corrupt charities claiming to help them. Two parties of US government that are so alike that finding a difference is like looking for Waldo in a candy cane factory, but do they agree on anything? Hunger in America (but the news stories show fat people?).

Nom nom nom nom nom
Texas Rangers vs. St. Louis Cardinals… why did the Cards win? Because if they lost only a few people in Missouri would care. And they are already on about as much medication as they can take. Texas though, huge market of investors looking for a loss, gamblers who don’t think it’s an addiction, a whole stack of people looking for a reasons to eat a bullet.

And let’s not forget the culture of “second opinions” they encourage. I’ve sketched a scenario for you.

Doctor: Ma’am (yes I’m stereotyping… deal with it) I’m afraid you are exhibiting signs of manic depressive disorder. Fortunately it’s a well understood disease and the treatment is dependent on your insurance and how much cash you have in the bank.

Ma’am: Ummm. Are you sure? I mean… I don’t feel , what did you call it?… Sometimes happy… sometimes sad.

Dr: Exactly. Manic Depressive. Classic textbook symptoms. I take American Express, Master
Card and Visa. Please, no Discover cards. They’ll ruin my reputation.

Ma’am: I think I’ll try getting a second opinion.

Dr: Go for it! I strongly recommend getting another Doctor to review your symptoms before deciding on a treatment. A person in your state can’t afford to take any risks.


Dr. 2: So, after reviewing your dossier, I mean symptoms, I can’t believe your first doctor even considered Manic Depression.

Ma’am: I’m so relieved! I didn’t think that…

Dr. 2: You’re bipolar.

Ma’am: I am?

Dr. 2: We need to start you on a regimen of medication right away.

Ma’am: Crapsnacks.

After taking these I feel like "blue tie"...
Seriously folks! Think! Who else profits the most from people being bummed out all the time? Therefore the news is full of war, politics, shootings, famines, and failed marriages. Reality shows encourage back stabbing!

It is normal now to start a conversation with, “My doctor just put me on Xanax, so I really shouldn’t have that martini… well, one couldn’t hurt.”

And EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU’LL GET SOMETHING LIKE THIS IN RESPONSE, “Oh! My doctor put me on Wellburtrin, I have seasonal affective disorder.” To the bartender: “Can I get mine dirty with three olives?”

Thank you Dr. Daniels for showing me the "bright side".
Also, a fear of psychiatrists is the perfect psychosis to have. After all, who do you go to for treatment? That’s right. Dr. Jack Daniels.