Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Secret Agent Dad

I’ve been a Stay-At-Home-Dad now for an entire month. Woo hoo!!!!

I shave about once a week.

Wooooooo hooooo!

But I have to admit. When talking to others it’s hard to say, “I’m a stay at home dad.” When I do, it sounds an awful lot like, “I’m unemployed and/or unemployable. I’m a sad sad excuse for a man.”

So, I’ve come up with another way to introduce myself to people.

Other People: “So… What do you do?”

Me: “Oh. I’m retired.”

OP: “Really?” They are REALLY interested now because I’m only 37. “What did you do before?”

Me: “Oh… I kept myself busy.”

I say it cryptically. Look the other way while chomping down on a Triscuit. “Meh… nothing special really.”
I then pepper conversations with things like:

“I heard different.”

“Thank goodness I’m not in Libya anymore.”

“Those bunkers are deeper than you’d think.”

“NORAD is sooo overrated.”

“The Space Shuttle is being retired for a reason…”

“Iron Man? It’s a movie? Hmm. I saw the prototype…”

I already have plans to set my phone alarm to go off right around when I want to leave. So when it starts buzzing or ringing or whatever I can pull it out casually and take a look at the screen. Then I’ll say softly, but just loud enough, “Oh CRAP. Not now. Why now? If that thing blows…” and then I’ll run out to my car and take off tires squealing. Of course I drive a crappy minivan, so the only squealing will be the serpentine belt.

Maybe I’ll scream into my phone on the way to the car, “Get the plane ready! I don’t care if the pilot is in Chicago! Find another one or I’ll fly the damn thing myself!”

Yeah. That’s what I’ll do.

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