Thursday, July 21, 2011

Dear Solicitors

Dear Solicitors:

Please stop calling my phone. My home phone, that is. We don’t answer it. Ever.

This goes for all robots too. Robots for political action committees, charities, and debt collectors. Most of you aren’t even looking for us.

Especially you debt collectors. Wow. You called me looking for who? Erin Johnson? Are you even trying?

Listen, we keep our home phone for one reason, and one reason only.


Seriously. That’s it. It’s an extremely selective group of people we don’t know that we’d like to be able to find us. You don’t qualify.

I know, I know… you’re saying, “Why don’t you turn your phone off?”

Well, there is that rare occasion where I’ve invited someone to call me on my home phone. That’s right. I don’t want them to know my cell number, but knowing my house number is fine. Why? Because I expect that I won’t know that person for very long and seriously don’t want to be accidentally texted at 3 am with “Yo bro? Wer u @?”

I really don’t care about the latest credit card service or deal you have to offer. It will not be good. At all. I don’t care who’s running for city council or why. I don’t live in the city limits anyway. You clothing drive people call twice a day. FOR YEARS and you have yet to get an answer.

My name is not Erin Johnson. My wife is not a 56 year-old woman from New Jersey. Funny how I was able to find her.

So, in closing, stop calling me.



  1. I say we get an airhorn and then start answering the phone *insert evil laugh here.

  2. Hells YEAH!



    "Woooo Hoooo! Bobby is that you?"

    "Ummm. This is Citibank calling in reference to your account...."

    "BOBBY! Stop messing with me! You know the last time I had a credit card I bought $12,000 worth of sesame seed bagels. God, I have got to stop drinking at bars near bagel shops."

    "Excuse me, sir? My I speak with..."

    "Damn it Bobby!" *sob* "I LOVE YOU."

    "Is there another time we could call....?"

    "I'm... I'm.... HAVING YOUR BABY!"

    Uncomfortable silence....




  3. When Desiree was a toddler, I'd give the phone to her and let her talk to the solicitors. I only heard Desiree's side of the conversation, but it went something like this:

    Desiree: "Hi!" "Yes, she's right there." "No, it's my turn to talk!" "No, Daddy is at work." "Mommy's right there." "It's still my turn to talk!"

    "Mom, they hung up."