Holy Crap

Ok, so this story begins with me sitting on the toilet. I usually don’t share my toilet stories but in this case, I shall make an exception.

DING DONG

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Of course somebody is at the door. Meh, probably FedEx or something.

DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG

POUND POUND POUND

?

Dammit.

So I prematurely ended my morning constitutional to find out who the hell needed my attention so badly.

DINGDONGDINGDONGDINGDONG

POUNDPOUNPOUNDPOUND

I find Zoey looking out the front door. “Who is it Zoey?”

“Our neighbor that buys cat treats wearing the same clothes he always wears but he doesn’t have his dog.” He left before he saw Zoey come to the door.

I grab my keys and am heading to the front door to see if I can catch him. I’m thinking he wasn’t stopping by for cat treats.

Then I hear pounding on the back window. That was fast. Now he’s in the back yard? I push aside the curtains and see some dude looking around. And right behind him is….

The suspense…

Sara.

She woke up while I was in the bathroom and couldn’t find me. She freaked out and started looking for Mommy. She unlocked the door AND LEFT. This guy was driving by and saw a sad little girl sitting in the driveway in a princess nightgown crying for her Mommy. Our next door neighbor happened to step outside (it is garbage day) and saw Some Dude kneeling talking to Sara.

So of course they started pounding on the doors and windows. Thank goodness for good neighbors.

And I have learned a very important lesson today. Deadbolt all doors and hide the keys before taking a shit.