It was an easy smooth day.
I stayed up really really late last night waiting for Stephanie to get home from the New Kids On The Block concert. To bide my time I watched 2012 again and started drinking.
She said something about getting home by 11. I figured it would be closer to 12.
Midnight came and went and I hadn’t heard from her yet. I had assumed I’d at least get a text saying, “OMWH”.
I’m assuming that’s what texting people would text.
Like how they say, “IROADT” for I Ran Over A Duck Today.
So I sent her a text saying, “Where the f^&* are you?” I meant it in the most kindest loving way possible.
Two seconds later she pulled into the driveway. And she still didn’t bother to text me back. So texted, “Never mind.”
Still, no response.
My movie was over anyway and I decided I’d rather watch something with Morgan Freeman in it. The Dark Knight was on, and about over anyway, so I watched it.
Then War of the Worlds came on. And I’m thinking, “Awesome! It’s a Morgan Freeman marathon!” I made it as far as the aliens rising like giant mechanized zombies before dozing off.
So yeah, I slept in. Pool doesn’t open until 12 anyway. Actually, our pool is open only from 12 – 8 and only THREE DAYS A WEEK. Friday, Saturday & Sunday. It’s summer time and this pool is open only 3 days. In their defense though, on the few times we’ve gone so far, we were the only ones there.
I had noticed when I got there that I had forgotten to clip my toenails on one foot. I can’t remember why. I thought I looked weird with one normal looking trimmed and neat foot and one that was starting to look like I was going for some record in Guinness. But, as I mentioned earlier, we were the only ones there. I still couldn’t help but feel just a little stupid.
But then the lifeguards were there to save me. From feeling stupid that is.
One of them was floating face down in the pool. The guy in the chair threw his flip flop at Floater to get his attention.
Chair: “What are you doing?”
Floater: “I’m trying to breathe underwater with this.”
Chair: “You’re trying to breathe underwater with an empty Snapple bottle?”
Floater: “Yeah. It’s not working very well.”
At which time I’m thinking that Chair is obviously the more intelligent of the two. All ten of his toes were neatly trimmed too. But then he kept talking.
Chair: “An empty 2 or 3 liter Coke bottle would probably work better.”
Well, of course it would work better.
And I found goo in my lunchable. Bleh.