Our Dentist is TOO COOL for you...

Hells yeah.

Our dentist is sooooo cool....

Now I know you are jealous. Please contain yourself. Dr. Wilson is the best kid's dentist near where I live. I know another dentist, but seriously, she is waaaaaaaaaay too freakin' far way. And while she certainly has earned he quality seal of AWESOME, too far way. It makes me sad sometimes.

And her name is Cher. DOCTOR Cher. And Rich. Dr. Cher Rich. The different colored text means it's a link. We like her. Awesome in so many ways. All she lacks is location for me. Full disclosure, I know her, I like her, she's my wife's best friend, I make ABSOLUTELY NO $$$$ for mentioning her. Although there is the NKOTB thing....

 

I've never heard of this, but they took Zoey's blood pressure. 

It was "perfect".

They didn't take Sara's. I'm guessing it's because "perfect" was expected and runs in the family. After all, I was there and what do you think they'd expect? The answer is of course, AWESOMENESS; but I'll allow for the fact she's 4 years old.

They took X-Rays. Not only do they make you wear the 95 lb. apron, but there's a collar too. Obviously to protect that all too valuable voice box that will make me MILLIONS. Or whatever.

Zoey got to look over her x-ray and give the dentist her assessment.

Sara got cold.

Well, it is Texas in June. 99° outside, 66° inside. If you are thinking about visiting, bring a sweater. I strongly recommend it.

Nature Walk

First of all I’d like to thank everyone for the overwhelming response to my last post. I got a lot of ideas regarding my new blog’s name.

The votes went as follows:

I Am Not A Giant Squid: 3
The EPIC CHRONICLES Of A Stay At Home Dad: 0
The Jensen Archive: 0
Tacos For Dinner Again: 1
Jensen’s Jungle: (already taken)
Eric Eats Everything: 1 (not even true, so I’m adjusting the vote) -1
The Jensen Blog: 0
Home Of Everything Awesome and Cool: 0

So going forward I’ll be changing my blog name to facebook.com.

Now for the Nature Walk!

The Jensen girls went to Terry Hershey Park for a walk today. The place is a huge park with a nature walk, jogging & biking trails, bayous, bridges, playgrounds & sweaty people.

We parked right near where there was a playground. Of course the girls wanted to just play on that, but I wanted to do the walk. They didn’t even put up of fight! Which makes my kids awesome. I’m sorry to make you so jealous, but there it is.

This is a sundial. It is set to “analemmatic”.

 Told you.

 Zoey felt like running.

 Cool trees and fountain.

 Sara contemplating something. Not sure what. She seems really concerned though.

Bridge.

Troubled Waters

Me: “What the heck is that?”

Zoey: “What?”

Me: “That thing.”

Zoey: “What thing?”

Me: “That tall thing made out of wood.” I was pointing really hard.

Zoey: “That tree?”

*sigh*

I still don’t know what it is. There were two.



UPDATE: They are apparently for bats.

On the nature trail.

More nature trail.

My favorite quote of the day. Sara: "We are still in our country, right?"

“Can’t we stop now?” We had been there 30 minutes.

She gave a running commentary too. "That's weird. That guy is riding a bike and not wearing a shirt. That guy has a wet shirt. That guy is not wearing a shirt."

Zoey: “They should have started it with a ‘P’ so that it says pooh, like Winnie The Pooh.”

Interesting design. Instead of using concrete which would crack over time, they fenced in some rocks. There is still concrete involved, but not as much. Not sure of the economic benefit, but it is different.

Zoey risking life and limb.

 

Finally, the playground!

So after sweating buckets all morning I took the girls to Chick-Fil-A. We got our orders, sat down and… wait a minute. I specifically order a #2. A sandwich with cheese, lettuce & tomato. I bit into the thing and it was a spicy chicken sandwich. Totally a #4. They already got the order wrong to begin with because I had ordered the girls sandwiches without pickles, but the cashier caught his mistake and corrected it before I left the counter. I’m not counting that one. But the spicy sandwich. Total ERROR. It’s not that I’m against spicy chicken sandwiches or anything, but I had just spent several hours sweating my ass off and I really didn’t want to sweat during my meal. Yeah, I know, you’re saying, “CFA sammiches aren’t that spicy. Wuss.” Well, they are to me, so go stick you head in a can of cayenne pepper.

Here's an argument I had with Zoey too.  CFA has these new ketchup packets that you either peel from one end and it's a dipping sauce, or peel from the other and you can squeeze it. She asked why I didn't get the other kind.

"There isn't another kind. I think you are talking about the mayonnaise."

"No, there's another kind."

"No, there isn't."

"Yes there is and I can prove it." She goes to the condiment counter and comes back with hot sauce.

"Baby, that's hot sauce. See, on the packet?"

"But it's made from ketchup."

I'm not sure which one of us really won that one.

Here are two guys staring at their phones.

Sara: “Take a picture of THIS!” So I did. She never looks at the camera.

Then they played outside some more.

The last time she was up there she freaked out so bad I thought somebody was going to call the fire department.

Free Ice Cream!

Then we all went home and took naps. Actually I took a nap. The girls watched cartoons. Zoey watched cartoons while doing math. She likes doing math. It was a good day.

What Do You Think?

I'm going to change the name of my blog and transfer it over to Wordpress. Because that is what all the cool kids are doing.

I can't decide what to call it yet. While wwwdontmakemecountto3 was smart and pretty witty of my wife when she created the blog, there are more than one “don't make me count to three” out there. So I'm looking for something a bit more unique.

I've made a list of some of the things I've come up with so far.

Would you believe 12toes.com has been taken?

Here we go:

jensenarchives.com (Jensen Archives)

thejensenblog.com (The Jensen Blog)

talesofastayathomedad.com (Tales Of A Stay At Home Dad)

theepicchroniclesofastayathomedad.com (The EPIC CHRONICLES Of A Stay At Home Dad)

iamnotagiantsquid.com (I Am Not A Giant Squid)

Ok, I really started running out of ideas.

In other news my laptop went * POP * and died. It would only run for about 10 minutes before doing it again. So I went shopping for a new laptop. The hatchet sticking out of the keyboard didn't have anything to do with it. Not anything at all.

On the way to the store Zoey wanted to read out loud to me and Sara wanted to listen to New Kids On the Block. I'm not sure which was the most agonizing. It's not that Zoey's reading is bad. She's getting very good at it. She tends to distract herself easily; so three or four words into a sentence she fades out like a bad radio signal and then she picks back up. Kind of like listening to AM radio when going through a tunnel. Or listening to a catatonic.

We're not far down the road and Sara says, “Turn down the air!”

“Sweety, it's 120°. I'm not turning down the a/c.”

“I'm hot! Dad! I'm sweating...” Zoey was hot. Zoey was sweating.

“I'm cold!”

“I'm hot!”

Well, Zoey did wear jeans and a long sleeve shirt. She wanted to wear something blue.

“I'm telling MOMMY!”

*sigh*


Before noon on a Monday is the best time to be at Fry's. No crowd. No pushy sales people. Although in the computer section there were way more sales people than customers. I was approached seven times before I actually needed someone's help. By this time the girls were getting a bit antsy. They were trying so hard to be good, but watching me circle the laptops like a buzzard around an armadillo they got a little bored.


I find it ironic that Fry's, home of everything awesome and cool, uses computers made in 1995 for the sales staff to use on the floor.

 HEY!

Homeofeverythingawesomeandcool.com

I bought a cheap refurbished HP. It was not made in 1995. And I am NOT a giant squid.

Day At The Pool

It was an easy smooth day.

I stayed up really really late last night waiting for Stephanie to get home from the New Kids On The Block concert. To bide my time I watched 2012 again and started drinking.

She said something about getting home by 11. I figured it would be closer to 12.

Midnight came and went and I hadn’t heard from her yet. I had assumed I’d at least get a text saying, “OMWH”.

I’m assuming that’s what texting people would text.

Like how they say, “IROADT” for I Ran Over A Duck Today.

So I sent her a text saying, “Where the f^&* are you?” I meant it in the most kindest loving way possible.

Two seconds later she pulled into the driveway. And she still didn’t bother to text me back. So texted, “Never mind.”

Still, no response.

My movie was over anyway and I decided I’d rather watch something with Morgan Freeman in it.  The Dark Knight was on, and about over anyway, so I watched it.

Then War of the Worlds came on.  And I’m thinking, “Awesome! It’s a Morgan Freeman marathon!” I made it as far as the aliens rising like giant mechanized zombies before dozing off.

So yeah, I slept in. Pool doesn’t open until 12 anyway. Actually, our pool is open only from 12 – 8 and only THREE DAYS A WEEK. Friday, Saturday & Sunday.  It’s summer time and this pool is open only 3 days. In their defense though, on the few times we’ve gone so far, we were the only ones there.

I had noticed when I got there that I had forgotten to clip my toenails on one foot. I can’t remember why. I thought I looked weird with one normal looking trimmed and neat foot and one that was starting to look like I was going for some record in Guinness.  But, as I mentioned earlier, we were the only ones there. I still couldn’t help but feel just a little stupid.

But then the lifeguards were there to save me. From feeling stupid that is.

One of them was floating face down in the pool. The guy in the chair threw his flip flop at Floater to get his attention.

Chair:  “What are you doing?”

Floater:  “I’m trying to breathe underwater with this.”

Chair:  “You’re trying to breathe underwater with an empty Snapple bottle?”

Floater:  “Yeah. It’s not working very well.”

At which time I’m thinking that Chair is obviously the more intelligent of the two.  All ten of his toes were neatly trimmed too.  But then he kept talking.

Chair:  “An empty 2 or 3 liter Coke bottle would probably work better.”

Well, of course it would work better.

And I found goo in my lunchable. Bleh.

Up Too Late Eating Taco Meat

Whatever.

Here I've gone and finished it without even inviting YOU.  And HOLY CRAP, I totally tossed the f&%^ing phone onto the floor while trying to take a picture.

For you!

I'm a clutz. Or a saint. It all depends on how you look at it.

In either case, it was delicious.

And this phone must be made of unobtanium, because it didn't even BLINK while it skittered across the floor in a poor attempt to catalog my sad life. I mean PHOTOlog. That's a word. Right?

I'd also like to point out my ponytail making skills have increased significantly.

Look at THAT!

One try. Hells YEAH!

And take a look at this face!

HAP-EE-NESS!!!

On a side note, Sara's older sister at a much younger age used to confuse the hell outta me.  She started asking for "Anthony."

?

"I want a Anthony!"

Zoey is, was, and and ever will be adamant about what she wants. WTF is Anthony all about?

It's all about me. Of course. I used to call the rubber bandy dealys girls put in their hairs to make pony tails and such "Hair thingys". Zoey's tiny little mouth tried saying the same thing and it came out "Anthonys".

It took two years and a speech therapist to figure this out. In the meantime, I had a couple of really awesome steaks, a lobster tail and two tequila sunrises. J/K. This means "Just Kidding". I hate texting shorthand. Not just because it limits communication, but because I am totally out of the loop.

Hey, I am if nothing else, honest. I've never had a tequila sunrise.


:(  This is a SAD FACE.

New Post

I told my wife that now that I'm a Stay-At-Home-Dad I'm going to blog more often. She pointed out that more often would probably be more than once a week.

I said, "Well, I don't really have anything to write about."

She said, "You can write a blurb. You know, you'd probably get more readers if you posted pictures too. Readers like pictures."

So here's a picture of my coffee mug. I woke up way to early this morning.

Acupuncture Can Cure Anything

Acupuncture can cure anything

This place is next door to Spec’s.

Seriously? Constipation? Now I’m by no means and expert in acupuncture, or even moderately interested honestly, but really?

Constipation?

Where are they sticking those needles anyway?

Pet Peeve #154219503

Ok, I don’t have that many. Maybe we can just call it a serial number. This way we can log it, Google it, and reference it later.  That’s right, people are that interested in my peeves.

Buttons.

Not those squirrely flower shaped ones that don’t fit in button holes on little girls dresses. While I might get a little peeved, they don’t qualify as a pet peeve.

I’m talking technology. Buttons on copier machines, coffee makers, computers and DVD players. You know exactly what I mean.

You push the button. It goes *click*. Nothing happens.

You wonder, “Is it broken? Did it just stop working for no reason? What do I do?”

Well, you do what any normal human being would do. You push it again.

It makes me wonder if the engineers that designed such things do this on purpose. You know the pop-up window that asks, “Are you sure?” Well, you can’t do that with coffee makers. 

Are you sure you wanna make coffee? Click OK again.

I’ve come to the conclusion that people become conditioned to do this. Engineers began this early on. Case in point: elevator buttons.

Bill Engvall uses just such a situation in one of his “Here’s your sign” bits. You push the button. Nothing happens. Of course nothing happens; the elevator car is on its way. You stand and wait. Somebody else comes along thinking about their coffee maker and having to press the button twice to get it to wake up and sees that elevator button lit and you standing their like an idiot. Without even considering the engineering involved and the safety codes the elevator manufacturer, installer, and owner have to continually pass they push the button again. It’s only natural. After all, I had to threaten my DVD player with an uncertain future before it gave up the Red Box movie we watched last night.

And my laptop. I tried turning it on this morning. I pushed the I/O button. I pushed it again. It clicked both times. I gave it moment to think about what it might be doing wrong and let it have one more try. It finally booted up.

I’d compare it to a woman… but I think we all know that that is a slightly different situation.

If they only had a button.

Holy Crap

Ok, so this story begins with me sitting on the toilet. I usually don’t share my toilet stories but in this case, I shall make an exception.

DING DONG

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Of course somebody is at the door. Meh, probably FedEx or something.

DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG

POUND POUND POUND

?

Dammit.

So I prematurely ended my morning constitutional to find out who the hell needed my attention so badly.

DINGDONGDINGDONGDINGDONG

POUNDPOUNPOUNDPOUND

I find Zoey looking out the front door. “Who is it Zoey?”

“Our neighbor that buys cat treats wearing the same clothes he always wears but he doesn’t have his dog.” He left before he saw Zoey come to the door.

I grab my keys and am heading to the front door to see if I can catch him. I’m thinking he wasn’t stopping by for cat treats.

Then I hear pounding on the back window. That was fast. Now he’s in the back yard? I push aside the curtains and see some dude looking around. And right behind him is….

The suspense…

Sara.

She woke up while I was in the bathroom and couldn’t find me. She freaked out and started looking for Mommy. She unlocked the door AND LEFT. This guy was driving by and saw a sad little girl sitting in the driveway in a princess nightgown crying for her Mommy. Our next door neighbor happened to step outside (it is garbage day) and saw Some Dude kneeling talking to Sara.

So of course they started pounding on the doors and windows. Thank goodness for good neighbors.

And I have learned a very important lesson today. Deadbolt all doors and hide the keys before taking a shit.

What I've Learned So Far as a Stay at Home Dad

1. I have spent entirely too much time on my computer researching homeschooling and home activities. My kids have been on their own, peacefully doing what I did at their age. No school? Play!

2. The kitchen is never clean.

3. Always take your shower before the kids wake up.

4. Mr. Clean Magic Erasers. Buy them. Use them.

5. The vacuum is NOT magic. It sucks. Not as much as you’d think.

6. The “To Do” list is like my Christmas Wish List.

7. The perfect cure for too much whine is… well… some wine.

8. When all else fails, the TV is the perfect baby sitter. Like when you have to go to the bathroom. Make lunch. Or even just breathe for a moment.

9. How is it that I feel so busy… but nothing gets done? Again, the wine helps.

10. The cartoons I watched as a kid were TERRIBLE. The cartoons my parents watched were AWESOME. The cartoons made for my kids to watch are NAUSEATING. (Disclaimer: there are, of course, exceptions the rule. But I think you know what I’m talking about)

11. I miss working a job like I miss a stomach virus. Or a kick in the crotch. Or broken bones. Or being set on fire.

OK. I’ve never had a broken bone nor have I been set on fire. Honestly, those were the only two things I could think of as being a worse affliction to the time my family jewels were damaged in a contest between somebody else’s foot and my testicles. That was a bad bad day.

Today In Whine

Today’s Day in Whine

Today I took the girls bike riding. Never mind the time it took to figure out how to attach the bike rack to the hatch of a minivan. Never mind getting the girls properly dressed for riding bikes. Skirts and blouses… normally ok, riding bikes, not so much. Never mind getting them to potty before leaving. “I don’t hafta go!”

I got them to the bike trails. George Bush Park. There’s a handy parking area right off Hwy 6. We had to walk the bikes up over the earth dam. This happens also to be the Barker Reservoir. So, we pushed the bikes up the hill, then let the bikes drag us down the hill. It was hilarious watching Zoey try to control her bike.

“It keeps trying to get away!”

So we get to the bottom. I get both girls up on their bikes. Their heads are enormous in those helmets.

Grunt.

Groan.

Hunnnh!

*puff* *puff* *puff*

*sigh*

Ten minutes later the paved portion of our ride ends. There is a gravel trail that picks up from there. I chose this path because it has tree cover.

“The rocks are in the way!”

“It’s too hard!”

Sheesh, when I was 7 years old I not only learned to ride on gravel, but you couldn’t find me because I was on my bike somewhere in Wessington, SD. Which if you’ve been there is paved nearly entirely in gravel.

And it’s not like this was a construction entrance, it was paving gravel.

*sigh*.

Here’s my favorite. “I’m scared!”

So we walked back to the hill. Walked back up the hill and down the hill. Mounted the bikes back to the van and drove home.

I have in mind taking them back tomorrow… although, maybe I’ll find some trails that are nice even blacktop.

Nice and even.

A Lesson in Patience

For any of you (parents or not) that think children have no patience, I believe it is a matter of perspective.

I think many of you have heard the story of Einstein’s explanation of his theory of relativity. He tries to explain how Time is relative to the observer. I’ll retell it, if in brief.

He compared it to a young man having dinner with a beautiful woman. An hour felt like a mere moment. This versus the same young man sitting on a hot stove, where a mere moment felt like an hour.

My story is more like Me versus Pillsbury Toaster Strudels. Actually, it is me versus Pillsbury Toaster Strudels.

We’re up early, as usual, getting ready for school. I make the breakfasts and lunches. Sara chooses toaster strudels. Easy enough. Two in the toaster and *poof* breakfast.

Then there’s the icing. Those tiny little packets of tooth decaying evil.

She slowly extrudes a little design onto the pastry. This of course turns into a puddle. She squeezes it some more. Like her mother and that last bit of toothpaste, she finds the strength to push one more drop out.

Oh, she’s not done yet. She then proceeds to suck on the packet. A look of pure ecstasy on her face complete with her eyes rolling into the back of her head.

“Ahhhh…”

This all takes about 10 minutes. Meanwhile, all around her are the noises of the family preparing to leave. This includes constant reminders to: “Hurry up, Sara!”

Not to be deterred, she looks me square in eye… and begins the ritual on the second pastry. That’s right. She eats two.

Then I find that this isn’t so much a lesson to discover the Tiny Terror has patience, but that there are times when I don’t.