Monday, February 6, 2012

Dear Cheerios: I Am So Disappointed With You

What. The. Hell.

You've been feeding America for what, like a hundred years?* And in all that time you’ve made the simple awesome that is Cheerios.

Then you introduced the “honey of an O”. I was ok with that, actually. Honey Nut Cheerios are pretty good.

And decades went by. You continued to make good food. I continued to eat it.

So. What happened? I’ll admit that I don’t know your company all that well, but what I’m imagining here is a Howard E. Butt or Sam Walton scenario. The old guy dies… and then a new hip young crew takes over and BAM shit goes down.

Cheerios don’t do just wholesome and healthy anymore! Aw hell NO!

I seriously thought your business plan was flawed with the frosted stuff. But those seemed to have disappeared. I hope. They were terrible.

And then it happened.

Suddenly you got all:

Yogurt Bursty


Oat Clustery

Banana Nutty (WHAT was up with this one?)

Chocolate. Seriously. You went chocolate on us? My kids will NEVER be introduced to these. It was here that I had determined you people didn’t give a flying F*** about kids anymore. Were you totally bummed about losing market share to Cocoa Puffs, Pebbles and Krispies? Seriously?

Cinnamon Burst. This one made me scratch my head. Didn’t you do an Apple Jacks kind like 25 years ago? So this one is just Cinnamon? Right.

But now. Now. NOW. I’m totally sure the General is dead. You know… General Mills? He died and now the Cheerios people are like, “It was about time. We’ve been wanting to corrupt Cheerios for decades. And today is the day! Children will beg, yes beg their parents for Cheerios! And their parents will think ‘well, how-di-do. It’s Cheerios so they must be good. Hey look! This one says multi-grain’. AND THEY WILL BUY THE SHIT OUT OF IT! Bwah ha ha HA HA HA!”

I confess, I may have exaggerated on the bwah ha-ing.

Check this out. It’s picture time.

They're new. Sorry... NEW!

That’s right. Peanut Butter Cheerios and (kick me in the nuts) Dulce de Leche Cheerios. They have caramel now.

Hey kids! Don’t have enough opportunity to fatten yourself up? Your teeth too white and strong? Well, you wanna stay healthy right? Why not have the best of BOTH worlds! That’s right! Step right up and have yourself a bowl of Cheerios! A couple ounces of this with a drop or two of milk are an important part of a complete breakfast.**

Not sure… have I come across as bitter, resentful and maybe a bit critical? No? Hmf.

**Yes, a complete breakfast without this shit would still be a complete breakfast. Have you seen the serving size? ¾ cup. That’s it. With a ½ cup of skim milk. Hell, my 5 year old gets more nutrition eating her own snot.


  1. Yeah I think you are right. The General has died. I begged BEGGED my mom for Kix and Cheerios along with Fruit loops but that was because of Toucan Sam. I loved Kix and now its all Berry-ish.

    WTG General Mills company way to screw with us.

    I am going back to Quaker.

  2. "Bwah ha ha HA HA HA!". Nope, not exaggerated. If anything, understated. I prefer to believe they laugh like this:

    Bwah-ha-ha-HAAH, HAAAH-Ha-HAAH!!


  3. Okay, I'm having a little bit of trouble with this since I've never actually bought Cheerios. I had them once at a sleepover and thought that because they fed them to me, they must have hated me and never wanted me to come back to their house. Cheerios (of any variety) taste like rotten sawdust. I'm more of a MOAR CHOCLET NOM kinda girl. However, I can see your exasperation with cereal companies. They change stuff all the time and it PISSES ME OFF. And, yes, I know I'm yelling. And I meant to because it just plain makes me mad (the cereal companies, not yelling, I quite like to yell). Grrr. In order to fully grasp your discontent, I replaced regular Cheerios with Chocolate Lucky Charms and I think I may have had an aneurism. The only way to get those lovelies (Choc. Lucky Charms) is through the mail. And you can bet your nasty Cheerio lovin' ass (the Cheerios, not your ass, I'm guessing) I order mah shit from the magic smoke on the intertubes and get it delivered straight to my door. *jazz hands*

  4. Ok. Jenbugs...

    1. You order Chocolate Lucky Charms on the internet. I'm not sure why, but I have this weird fear (kinda like finding worms in my spaghetti) that your cereal is made in China.

    2. Your mother didn't feed you Cheerios? Were you abused or something?

    3. My wife and her friend call them "WIC Cheerios" for the Texas foodstamp program (Women Infants & Children). If yer poor enough, the State will give you Cheerios. And cheese. And peanut butter. And milk... Basically it's not such a bad thing being poor in Texas. That's why so many news broadcasts show the destitute as being enormous obese blobs barely able to squeeze into their Cadillac Escalades.

  5. Ugh. I had no idea. Over here, all we get is honey o's and regular cheerios. What's the point of eating Cheerios if they don't blow your colon and lower cholesterol? You just switch to something else.