What. The. Hell.
You've been feeding America for what, like a hundred years?* And in all that time you’ve made the simple awesome that is Cheerios.
Then you introduced the “honey of an O”. I was ok with that, actually. Honey Nut Cheerios are pretty good.
And decades went by. You continued to make good food. I continued to eat it.
So. What happened? I’ll admit that I don’t know your company all that well, but what I’m imagining here is a Howard E. Butt or Sam Walton scenario. The old guy dies… and then a new hip young crew takes over and BAM shit goes down.
Cheerios don’t do just wholesome and healthy anymore! Aw hell NO!
I seriously thought your business plan was flawed with the frosted stuff. But those seemed to have disappeared. I hope. They were terrible.
And then it happened.
Suddenly you got all:
Banana Nutty (WHAT was up with this one?)
Chocolate. Seriously. You went chocolate on us? My kids will NEVER be introduced to these. It was here that I had determined you people didn’t give a flying F*** about kids anymore. Were you totally bummed about losing market share to Cocoa Puffs, Pebbles and Krispies? Seriously?
Cinnamon Burst. This one made me scratch my head. Didn’t you do an Apple Jacks kind like 25 years ago? So this one is just Cinnamon? Right.
But now. Now. NOW. I’m totally sure the General is dead. You know… General Mills? He died and now the Cheerios people are like, “It was about time. We’ve been wanting to corrupt Cheerios for decades. And today is the day! Children will beg, yes beg their parents for Cheerios! And their parents will think ‘well, how-di-do. It’s Cheerios so they must be good. Hey look! This one says multi-grain’. AND THEY WILL BUY THE SHIT OUT OF IT! Bwah ha ha HA HA HA!”
I confess, I may have exaggerated on the bwah ha-ing.
Check this out. It’s picture time.
|They're new. Sorry... NEW!|
That’s right. Peanut Butter Cheerios and (kick me in the nuts) Dulce de Leche Cheerios. They have caramel now.
Hey kids! Don’t have enough opportunity to fatten yourself up? Your teeth too white and strong? Well, you wanna stay healthy right? Why not have the best of BOTH worlds! That’s right! Step right up and have yourself a bowl of Cheerios! A couple ounces of this with a drop or two of milk are an important part of a complete breakfast.**
Not sure… have I come across as bitter, resentful and maybe a bit critical? No? Hmf.
**Yes, a complete breakfast without this shit would still be a complete breakfast. Have you seen the serving size? ¾ cup. That’s it. With a ½ cup of skim milk. Hell, my 5 year old gets more nutrition eating her own snot.