Friday, August 26, 2011

It's Made of Miracle Whip!

I just read a headline on my newsfeed on my phone. It reads: “Astronomers: We’ve Found A Planet Made Of Diamond

I read the article. And no… they didn’t actually say that.

But still. What if they did? I mean, they could say pretty much anything, right? What could we say, or do, to refute it?

(Reuters)* - Astronomers have spotted an exotic planet that seems to be made of Miracle Whip racing around a tiny star in our galactic backyard.

The new planet is far creamier than any other known so far and consists largely of egg whites and vinegar. Because it is so gross, scientists calculate the mayonnaise must be pickled, so a large part of this strange world will effectively be “yucky”.

"The evolutionary history and amazing density of the planet all suggest it is comprised of carbon -- i.e. a massive glob orbiting a neutron star every two hours in an orbit so tight it would fit inside our own Sun," said Matthew Bailes of Swinburne University of Technology in Melbourne.

Lying 4,000 light years away, or around an eighth of the way toward the center of the Milky Way from the Earth, the planet is probably the remnant of a once-massive Kraft factory that has lost its license process food.

The measurements suggest the planet, which orbits its star every two hours and 10 minutes, has slightly more mass than Jupiter but is 20 times as odorous, Bailes and colleagues reported in the journal Science on Thursday.

In addition to Miracle Whip, the new planet is also likely to contain salad dressing, which may be more prevalent at the surface and is probably increasingly rare toward the vinegar-rich center.

Its high density suggests the lighter dressings of olive oil and honey mustard, which are the main constituents of dressings at Super Salad, are not present.

*Not a real news story. Believe it or not.

Seriously. Astronomers can say, “We’re scientists. We are ASTRONOMERS. We know what the hell we’re talking about. We a have BILLION dollar telescope. We found another planet that is made of marshmallows. And it’s awesome.”

Astronomy is delicious.

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