Thursday, June 28, 2012

On The Art of Blogging and Writing in General


Some days I’m just not really into it. Haven’t been for a while. It’s not that stupid, funny, or just plain silly things stop happening around me. I just haven’t had the creative spark to write about it.
And for those people who say, “I just don’t have the time” I have this to say:

Bullshit.

You have the time. I have the time. Everybody has the time. We just don’t have that spark. Some people call it “ambition” or “motivation” (very similar if you think about it). Some people have those things all the time. Unfortunately. Too many of them aren’t any good at it. I’m still a tad jealous, though.

Experienced writers will tell you, in their short essays (when all compiled together are usually ingeniously titled How To Write or The Art of Writing and even So You Want to be a Writer?) just write. Write like you don’t care. Write when you don’t want to. Write write write write write.

Right?

For us normal folks that got the writing bug, but not the right stuff, writing when uninspired is kinda like working. I suppose if it was my job, I’d write all the time. As it stands, I don’t even have a job right now. People (Mom) might say, “So what’s your excuse? You write well. You have people that like your writing. With a little effort you might even sell something!”

Well, I’ve tried the writer’s mantra (write write write) and I gotta tell ya. When I’m not inspired, it comes out as drivel. I’ve got a dozen half-written half-hearted essays (that’s what these are ya know, essays, not articles. People get paid for articles. I think. Hell, I don’t know) that I really don’t like. As it stands, this one might be headed that way.

I've had some pretty neat ideas on how to work my blog, but I don’t really have the… what’s the word?... Not those other words I’ve been using…. But something that means “HUMPH!” like when you pick up something really heavy and are really proud of it. I don’t have that to really get into blogging like so many of the bloggers I’ve come to respect and admire. Too many of the bloggers I’ve enjoyed seemed to have succumbed to the same malady. They lost their HUMPH.

Humph.

Maybe I should have entitled this post the Humph Post.  Sounds too much like the HuffPo. So never mind.

Time for beer #2.

It’s a New Belgium Trippel. In case you were wondering. My first was one of my homebrews.  A standard brown porter I tend to drink too much of. Pace yourself, Eric!

Now there’s a mantra I should really pay attention to.

I’m not advertising this post as usual. I’m just gonna let it hang out there. Kinda like naked shopping. You seen this? Naked people shopping for free groceries. If it happened in Houston, you might have had an opportunity to see my hairy ass pushing  $276 in beer to the registers.

And yes, as reported on the HuffPo.

Dude, there's more beer over here!


"Is that a TOWER of Nutella? Hon, you OWE me for the last time we were naked in public.





Monday, April 16, 2012

What the HELL is THAT!?

Look at me lookin' at you lookin' at me. Freak.

Scientist A: "What the freakin' hell is that?!"

Scientist B: "A frog."

SA: "Yeah, but what kinda frog? I mean, that sucker's huge!"

SB: "Hmm. A giant frog then."

SA: "Kinda has an odd complexion wouldn't you say."

SB: "Yeah... like a melted candle. Waxy."

SA: "Where's it live?"

SB: "Found it living in the treetops, believe it or not. With the monkeys."

SA: "I'm gonna call it Phyllomedusa bicolor."

SB: "Yeah, you go with that. I'm gonna call what it is. We'll see what people end up using."

What it is.


Thursday, March 1, 2012

Blogging by Candlelight


This is how Abraham Lincoln did it.

Just like they did it in 1789.

Why 1789? Because:

 1.  They didn’t have electricity.
 2.  For the U.S. it was a pretty big year! Yeah hell it was. And you people don’t have a single clue.
 3.  I’m gonna tell ya.

For those who live in or near the U.S.  ya’ll know that July 4th is a pretty big day. The former 13 British (English… United Kingdomish… Oh come on, who are you people?) Colonies declared their independence in 1776 on that particular day. We fought a war. We won.

I say “we” as in I’m member. Currently. Not that I was involved.

But what happened after that? I mean, we didn’t elect our first president until 1789. What’s up with that? George Washington was a general. A freakin’ war hero. He rode a horse made of crystal. Seriously, why did it take so long to elect a president? The war didn’t take that long to win… did it?

No. The war was over in 1783. Please Google Treaty of Paris.

So what the hell? Who was in charge during those seven years? Who was charge for the six after that!?

Meh… you can read history and learn about the “President of Delaware” and all that crap, but it really amounts to this: NOBODY.

Would you believe we had eight Presidents of the United States BEFORE George Washington? That’s right. Why don’t they teach THAT in school? Ha!… Why I homeschool my kids.

Let’s move on. GW was elected and took office as the first President of the U.S. under the Constitution (notice how I capitalized that? Yeah, I’m a patriot) in 1789. Before that we had the Articles of Confederation. Holy CRAP. Is this post educational or what. Crapsnacks.

So. 1789. No electricity. No Federal Union. No President (elected January… didn’t take office until April… no e-mail, no… well.. mail, seriously Ben was still working on it) until about mid-year.

Would you look at all the links in this post? Shit. Seriously, if I didn’t know better I’d say this was some sort of educational essay or something.

Hell, I’m writing in the dark. Drinking… something, you saw the pic, and I’m sure this is how Abraham Lincoln got his start. I’m so ON TO SOMETHING HERE.

Thank you Duracell or Energizer or whoever invented battery backups. Seriously. That thing has been beeping for hours. That’s what keeps me on the internet! Oh! And thank you AT&T for selling me access through the good old fashioned telephone lines. And…

HELLS YEAH! The juice came back on at 9:41 pm. EXACTLY 15 minutes before estimated. You’ve got the Scotty scenario down pat. See quotes below:

Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: Look, Mr. Scott, I'd love to explain everything to you, but the Captain wants this spectrographic analysis done by 1300 hours.

[La Forge goes back to work; Scotty follows slowly]

Scotty: Do you mind a little advice? Starfleet captains are like children. They want everything right now and they want it their way. But the secret is to give them only what they need, not what they want.

Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: Yeah, well, I told the Captain I'd have this analysis done in an hour.

Scotty: How long will it really take?

Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: An hour!

Scotty: Oh, you didn't tell him how long it would “really” take, did ya?

Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: Well, of course I did.

Scotty: Oh, laddie. You've got a lot to learn if you want people to think of you as a miracle worker.

I have a lotta respect for the Scotty Philosophy.

Where was I going with this?


Meh. I take it as a token of awesomeness that I can tie power out-ages, George Washington, Ben Franklin and Star Trek all together in one post.

Well!? What do you think? Was GW awesome? Ben? John Hanson?

Yeah…me too. 

"I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I drink IT ALL!" - John Hanson

UPDATE: We lost power again at 11:30pm. Thank you Center Point.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Dear Cheerios: I Am So Disappointed With You


What. The. Hell.

You've been feeding America for what, like a hundred years?* And in all that time you’ve made the simple awesome that is Cheerios.

Then you introduced the “honey of an O”. I was ok with that, actually. Honey Nut Cheerios are pretty good.

And decades went by. You continued to make good food. I continued to eat it.

So. What happened? I’ll admit that I don’t know your company all that well, but what I’m imagining here is a Howard E. Butt or Sam Walton scenario. The old guy dies… and then a new hip young crew takes over and BAM shit goes down.

Cheerios don’t do just wholesome and healthy anymore! Aw hell NO!

I seriously thought your business plan was flawed with the frosted stuff. But those seemed to have disappeared. I hope. They were terrible.

And then it happened.

Suddenly you got all:

Yogurt Bursty

Fruity

Oat Clustery

Banana Nutty (WHAT was up with this one?)

Chocolate. Seriously. You went chocolate on us? My kids will NEVER be introduced to these. It was here that I had determined you people didn’t give a flying F*** about kids anymore. Were you totally bummed about losing market share to Cocoa Puffs, Pebbles and Krispies? Seriously?

Cinnamon Burst. This one made me scratch my head. Didn’t you do an Apple Jacks kind like 25 years ago? So this one is just Cinnamon? Right.

But now. Now. NOW. I’m totally sure the General is dead. You know… General Mills? He died and now the Cheerios people are like, “It was about time. We’ve been wanting to corrupt Cheerios for decades. And today is the day! Children will beg, yes beg their parents for Cheerios! And their parents will think ‘well, how-di-do. It’s Cheerios so they must be good. Hey look! This one says multi-grain’. AND THEY WILL BUY THE SHIT OUT OF IT! Bwah ha ha HA HA HA!”

I confess, I may have exaggerated on the bwah ha-ing.

Check this out. It’s picture time.

They're new. Sorry... NEW!


That’s right. Peanut Butter Cheerios and (kick me in the nuts) Dulce de Leche Cheerios. They have caramel now.

Hey kids! Don’t have enough opportunity to fatten yourself up? Your teeth too white and strong? Well, you wanna stay healthy right? Why not have the best of BOTH worlds! That’s right! Step right up and have yourself a bowl of Cheerios! A couple ounces of this with a drop or two of milk are an important part of a complete breakfast.**

Not sure… have I come across as bitter, resentful and maybe a bit critical? No? Hmf.

*72
**Yes, a complete breakfast without this shit would still be a complete breakfast. Have you seen the serving size? ¾ cup. That’s it. With a ½ cup of skim milk. Hell, my 5 year old gets more nutrition eating her own snot.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Hello Kitty is EVERYWHERE


A stripped AR-15... and yes, it's real.


She is! 

Check it out.

What little angel wouldn't want one?








Guess which parade he's been to.


She’s on a Ferrari! She’s on wedding dresses, car exhaust pipes, chainsaws and Darth Vader. She’s even on vibrators. (Sorry ladies, I’ve heard you like to use clever euphemisms for these things. Like “plastic boy-friend”, “personal massager”, and “glass of wine”.)

Told ya.

She’s missing in at least one area.

Helicopters.

I’ve checked.

Today on the way home from changing a tire in a random shopping center in Sugar Land, TX the girls were talking about Hello Kitty. They yammered on and on about Hello Kitty. They pretended she was running alongside us. They pretended she was riding on the roof and could hear her walking around.

Zoey: “Daddy? Do you like Hello Kitty?”

Me: “Sure.”

Zoey: “What kind of Hello Kitty do you like?”

Me: “Hello Kitty Helicopter!”

Zoey: “Really? Why?”

Me: “Helicopters are cool! Haven’t you ever seen Airwolf?”

Zoey: “Airplanes are better.”

Me: “Oh really. Why is that?”

Zoey: “Airplanes have bathrooms.”

Me: “I can’t argue with that.”

She wins this round.

Monday, January 16, 2012

What's In A Word?


Of course it's not.

Well, I’ll tell ya.

A lot.

I know what you’re thinkin’. I’m about to go off on profanity laced rant about profanity. Well, I’m not. I think. I’m kinda just typing as I go.

All while watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Thank you USA!

The network. Not the country. Although it was made in the US. I think. Oh hell, I don’t care.

All franchise films need a Temple of Doom. Terminator: And The Temple of Doom. Lord of the Rings: And the Temple of Doom. Diary of a Wimpy Kid: And the Temple of Doom. It all makes sense.

Back to the point. What’s in a word?

I have two words I’d like to talk about right now.

#1: THE

That’s right. The word “the”. Here’s why it’s so important.

You meet somebody at a party. You’re getting drunk. No, wait, you’re getting hammered. You meet Jay Leno. Hold on… Jay Leno? THE Jay Leno? No? Just Jay Eustace Leno. Yes, he is Jay Leno. Just not THE Jay Leno.

See how “the” works? Even when hammered, you know the difference between Jay Leno and THE Jay Leno. I am SO sorry THE Jay Leno.

Actually… no I’m not. If I met you at a party, I’d probably be getting hammered and asking you if you were “the” Jay Leno. Over and over. My memory ain’t so good when I’ve been drinking. Actually, it ain’t so good when I haven’t which may account for why I yammer on constantly about things I’ve already talked about when I’ve been drinking. Or so I’m told.

Let’s involve profanity now. I’m going to use the word “shit”. Not really a bad word. Really.

“Wow, Honey. Your cooking is shit.” Not a nice thing to say.

“Wow, Honey. Your cooking is the shit.” Nice thing to say.

I have seen exactly two movies with Kate Capshaw in it. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Space Camp. That’s it.

I get distracted easily.

Heh. Her character’s name in Doom is Wille. Heh.

#2: DRINKING (I know what you’re thinking and shut up.)

Talk about a powerful word. More powerful than “the”. Seriously.

If I said, “I’ve been drinking a lot lately.” The implication is that I’ve been hitting the bottle. And those of you who know me might assume that I’m becoming an alcoholic. I’m a homebrewer, so it’s pretty rare that I’m out of beer. And I likes the whisky. Mmmm, whiskey.

The simple truth is I’m drinking a lot of Crystal Light. Stephanie bought 900 single packets and I’m going through them like Halloween candy. So, I’m drinking a lot lately. Of water. Lotsa water. Flavored with Crystal Light. I think the marketing term is “enhanced”.

Someone says: “I quit drinking.” Obviously they mean they quit drinking alcohol. If they quit drinking EVERYTHING they’d die. Even if it was Crystal Light. Why would anyone quit drinking Crystal Light? I ask you.

How many roller coasters were based on the mine car chase in Doom? I wonder. Probably a bunch. Six Flags had a ride, as I recall. It was better if you had been drinking.

Then it was the shit.

She quit drinking. Obviously.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

2012 Bitch


"Philosophy is the shit, dude." - Socrates

That’s right! In case you didn’t know.

Last Thursday we had our park day with one of the homeschool groups we belong too. This is a good group because it is small, and for the most part all girls my girls’ age.

One of the moms there, Andrea, bought a neat lesson course. It’s philosophy for young elementary aged kids. She wanted to give it a try in a small group and since we met once a week for the park day anyway, it was worth a shot.

We met up at the top of the hill, very scenic, in a large wooden gazebo. The weather was perfect. The ladies and I sat quietly after gathering the children onto a red blanket. Of course the kids are used to running around and generally going nuts on park day, so a took a while to settle them down.

When they finally stopped jumping around like electrons Andrea started the lesson.

Andrea: “Ok. Did your mom or dad tell you what we are doing today?”

Zoey: “No.”

Me: “Yes I did!”

Andrea: “Well, we’re going to read a short story and then talk about it. Is that ok?”

Zoey: “2012 bitch!”

And she said it like she had just dunked over Shaquille O’Neal. Of course all eyes are on me.

My first instinct was to pretend she wasn’t my kid. My second was to shrug and say, “Well… it is.” Instead I said, “I have no idea…”

But one of the other moms came to my rescue. She pointed out it was written in heavy black marker all over the wooden top beams of the gazebo. I hadn’t seen it because I was wearing sunglasses.

All I can say is she knows how to sound out new words. My girls can read.

I believe we've already answered this question.