Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Haven’t updated in a while and BOOM out of the blue, had two experiences today that I thought would look good online.


Went to the Doctor today. Notice the capital “D”. That’s right. The kind of Doctor that has “been there”.

Neither here nor there, but this clinic requires I check in with a cashier before checking in with the D. So I’m standing there, patiently… heh, pun intended, and the guy in front of me is trying to pay.


He’s wearing a blue suit that looks to be of non-J.C. Penny origin and the poor girl at the desk is getting flustered. They’re making small talk while I stand there bored to tears. Yeah, I showed up early, like I’m supposed to so it’s no big deal, but I also have an angry beard.

That’s right. My beard makes me look angry. I love it.

I can be grinnin’ a big dimple pinchin’ grin, and you’ll think I’ve got gas, cramps, or a barely repressible urge to kick your ass. Like Chuck Norris, except more cuddly.

Love the beard.

Mr. Suit is still trying to pay. He’s got a deductible like the rest of us, but he decides to pay in cash. He’s sportin’ the money clip with wads o’ Benjamins. “C” notes.

Hundred dollar bills.

She’s flustered because NOBODY pays in cash at the doctor. She needs to make change. They don’t have a cash till. They don’t have a cash drawer. They don’t have a cash box. They have, this is so funny, an envelope. #10. It’s got all the credit card receipts, about 5 checks, and maybe $20 bucks for the day.

The poor girl had to leave and GO TO THE BANK! I kid you not. So they call another lady over to handle me. She had a balloon.

It was a mylar balloon that said, “Happy Birthday.” Except it was crossed out with a Sharpie and written over with, “Get Well Soon.”

I had to ask.

“Does the other side say, ‘Happy Anniversary’?”

By this time Benjamin had left and order had been restored. She had two other co-workers there that hadn’t even noticed the balloon had been altered.

“Oh my GAWD!”

“Did you do that?” right, like it came that way.

Yesterday was her birthday. Today she has a sick friend and she’s going to visit after work.

“What!? It’s a nice balloon and I wanted to recycle…” she was totally serious.


For the past 5 months there have been a small group of teenagers panhandling at an intersection in my neighborhood. Usually they’ve got their Ziploc containers and homemade signs advertising “AllStars For Jesus”. Originally it appeared to be a sports team, or a youth program of some sort.

They disappeared during the darkest winter days, but now the sun sticks around a little longer and they are back!

This time, there are only three of them. Two dudes and a girl who I’m guessing is about 5 months pregnant.

“AllStars for Jesus”

She boldly approaches each car waddling with her Ziploc container, “Donations?”

Shake the head.

“God Bless You”

She approaches me.


I shake my head no.

“God Bless you.” Those may have been the words, but the intent behind them sound more like, “Fine. Go F*** Yourself.”

I looked. Only one dude had money in his container, two dollars and some coins.

Somebody please help me out here. Does begging really get you further than a job? Seriously. I’ve got angry beard to intimidate if necessary.

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