How to Keep Your Marriage Sane

Also could be titled: How Unlimited Texting Can Save Your Marriage.

Stephanie: Can u take the girls and get the van washed, coupon expires today should be on dry erase board

Me: ok

Me: Damn, it's hot out here.

Me: Bubbles carwarsh is closed.

Me: There's a new PetCo over here.

Stephanie: Yes meant to tell u that

Notice how "Me" uses punctuation? Yeah... just pointing that out.

Me: So I drove to Katy. This one is not an Express. Even though it said it was one on google maps.

Stephanie: What? When did that happen?

Me: Well, that only took an hour and 30 miles. Still have coupon and a dirty car.

Stephanie: Lol u didn't have to go to katy we could just let it expire honey

Editor's note: Right. Yeah. Just let it expire... Right.

Me: Right.

Me: Z is signed up for soccer. Took almost as long as it did to not find an open Bubbles Carwash Express.

Stephanie: Lol good where?

It only now ocurs to me that she might have assumed I was talking about the carwash.

Me: FFPs games will be at Westside High.

Me: Eta?

It's 5:22 pm just wanna know when she's coming home. No answer. And this is what happens when I get ignored.

Me: Sara's already drunk screaming "Woo hoo! Three day weekend!" She's topless too. Zoey is doing lines on a Hello Kitty mirror. She's being safe though! No razor blade. Using a toothbrush.

Me: Dinner is animal cookies and clif bars.

Stephanie: Sweet, literally

Me: Oh. My. Glob! Strippers just showed up! Kinky. Dressed like cops.

Me: Not strippers.

Me: I started to suspect when I tried slipping a $20 into her bra. Thought it weird she was wearing a kevlar vest.

Me: Help! I'm hiding in the neighbors bushes. Shhh! Call 911! I'm being stalked by two gun toting lesbians wearing all blue. They got batman belts too!

Stephanie: Did u drink all my vodka again

Me: Z is so sweet! She just ran outside and yelled, "He went that way!" Pointing in the opposite direction of where I am.

Me: Sara just tackled and throat punched the bitch that stole my $20!

Me: I need a disguise.

Stephanie: Just emailed you one

Perfect

Me: Yes! Hurry too! I'll be the inconspicuous naked guy behind Walmart. Ignore all these conspicuous bastards.

Me: Z & S have each respectfully submitted a request for vampire teeth. Jut putting that out there.

Me: I'm sure CPS will allow them.

Me: Sweet! Pretty blue helicopters!

Stephanie: U r nuts

Me: They can't see me if I don't move. Saw that in a documentary.

Stephanie: Send the slaves out please.

And that last one meant she was home.

See? Perfectly sane interaction between married people. Married to each other, that is. I talk to married people all the time and let's face it, those conversations are boring.