Dear Cheerios: I Am So Disappointed With You

What. The. Hell.

You've been feeding America for what, like a hundred years?* And in all that time you’ve made the simple awesome that is Cheerios.

Then you introduced the “honey of an O”. I was ok with that, actually. Honey Nut Cheerios are pretty good.

And decades went by. You continued to make good food. I continued to eat it.

So. What happened? I’ll admit that I don’t know your company all that well, but what I’m imagining here is a Howard E. Butt or Sam Walton scenario. The old guy dies… and then a new hip young crew takes over and BAM shit goes down.

Cheerios don’t do just wholesome and healthy anymore! Aw hell NO!

I seriously thought your business plan was flawed with the frosted stuff. But those seemed to have disappeared. I hope. They were terrible.

And then it happened.

Suddenly you got all:

Yogurt Bursty

Fruity

Oat Clustery

Banana Nutty (WHAT was up with this one?)

Chocolate. Seriously. You went chocolate on us? My kids will NEVER be introduced to these. It was here that I had determined you people didn’t give a flying F*** about kids anymore. Were you totally bummed about losing market share to Cocoa Puffs, Pebbles and Krispies? Seriously?

Cinnamon Burst. This one made me scratch my head. Didn’t you do an Apple Jacks kind like 25 years ago? So this one is just Cinnamon? Right.

But now. Now. NOW. I’m totally sure the General is dead. You know… General Mills? He died and now the Cheerios people are like, “It was about time. We’ve been wanting to corrupt Cheerios for decades. And today is the day! Children will beg, yes beg their parents for Cheerios! And their parents will think ‘well, how-di-do. It’s Cheerios so they must be good. Hey look! This one says multi-grain’. AND THEY WILL BUY THE SHIT OUT OF IT! Bwah ha ha HA HA HA!”

I confess, I may have exaggerated on the bwah ha-ing.

Check this out. It’s picture time.

They're new. Sorry... NEW!

That’s right. Peanut Butter Cheerios and (kick me in the nuts) Dulce de Leche Cheerios. They have caramel now.

Hey kids! Don’t have enough opportunity to fatten yourself up? Your teeth too white and strong? Well, you wanna stay healthy right? Why not have the best of BOTH worlds! That’s right! Step right up and have yourself a bowl of Cheerios! A couple ounces of this with a drop or two of milk are an important part of a complete breakfast.**

Not sure… have I come across as bitter, resentful and maybe a bit critical? No? Hmf.

*72

**Yes, a complete breakfast without this shit would still be a complete breakfast. Have you seen the serving size? ¾ cup. That’s it. With a ½ cup of skim milk. Hell, my 5 year old gets more nutrition eating her own snot.

Hello Kitty is EVERYWHERE

A stripped AR-15... and yes, it's real.

She is! 

Check it out.

What little angel wouldn't want one?

Guess which parade he's been to.

She’s on a Ferrari! She’s on wedding dresses, car exhaust pipes, chainsaws and Darth Vader. She’s even on vibrators. (Sorry ladies, I’ve heard you like to use clever euphemisms for these things. Like “plastic boy-friend”, “personal massager”, and “glass of wine”.)

Told ya.

She’s missing in at least one area.

Helicopters.

I’ve checked.

Today on the way home from changing a tire in a random shopping center in Sugar Land, TX the girls were talking about Hello Kitty. They yammered on and on about Hello Kitty. They pretended she was running alongside us. They pretended she was riding on the roof and could hear her walking around.

Zoey: “Daddy? Do you like Hello Kitty?”

Me: “Sure.”

Zoey: “What kind of Hello Kitty do you like?”

Me: “Hello Kitty Helicopter!”

Zoey: “Really? Why?”

Me: “Helicopters are cool! Haven’t you ever seen Airwolf?”

Zoey: “Airplanes are better.”

Me: “Oh really. Why is that?”

Zoey: “Airplanes have bathrooms.”

Me: “I can’t argue with that.”

She wins this round.