Lists

I hate lists.

They are tiny little ultimatums that sneer and snarl at me all the time.

When I left home for college I heard this phrase about once a week: "Make a list!"

Thanks Mom. Yeah. I know what I need to do. I'm pretty sure I can find things to eat. Right! Bank, gotta go there. It's 1993. I'm going to the bank. Every week.

Both a chore and a pleasure. That is until "DIRECT DEPOSIT" was invented. No. More. Bank. Hells yeah.

So anyway, my wife is a list maker. Always has been. Me, my lists tend to be wish lists.

And It's Only June

We still got July & August to go.

Yay! Summer VAY-CAY!

Mmph.

See this pic to the left? Yeah, says it's 92ºF outside. That's the air temp folks. The RealFeel? That's the heat index. Yup, over 100º. You think it's only 100º though?

Try walking barefoot on the sidewalk.

Yeah, the temp coming off the street can melt your souls.

Soles, I mean. Shoe bottoms. Whatever.

It's hot and only going to get hotter. Last year we had like 565 days in a row of over 100 degree heat index. It sucked.

Today I picked up the girls from their gymnastics summer camp. This place is pretty awesome, which is why we keep going back. This year they installed A/C in the gym. Things just keep getting better!

Heads up folks, Sara wants her birthday at Iron Cross Gymnastics^[1] again this year. Some of you will be invited. You know who you are. Some of you won't. Sara says you can just drop off your gifts for her at the door.

No Trust

Today was the first day of gymnastics camp for the girls. After dropping them off I stopped by Ye Olde TSO to pick up my new glasses and Stephanie's contacts.

The day passed way too quickly.

And then it was time to pick the girls back up. When I got them seated and all buckled up Zoey notices a little white bag in the passenger seat.

Zoey: "What's that?"

Me: "Mom's contacts. See, I'm wearing new glasses too!"

Zoey: "Hm."^[1]

As soon as we get home she jumps out of her seat and opens the bag to find.... Mom's contacts. Two boxes.

On Friendship

Somebody need a friend?

Last Saturday morning we needed to get moving pretty quickly as Zoey had a soccer game to get to. 

Because I'm the cook, I typically eat last.^[1]

By the time I sat down to eat the girls were done and sent to get dressed. It was still early enough Zoey didn't need to be in her uniform, but when it comes to doing anything she is the slowest human being alive. So we tried giving her a sense of urgency.

I Got Plans And Zoey Is Still Freaking Out About Germs

Blog Enhanced!

I've discovered that I got a lot of things I want to write about. I've started several posts that need work, pictures, and completed "enhancements".

That's what I'm calling those footnote thingies you see that are not clickable. If you hold your mouse over the blue footnote thingy, you get a hover note! That's right. Bonus brain goo that just oooooozes out of the normal post.

If you are reading my blog on a phone or tablet, they don't work. Sorry, but no mouse, no enhanced goo.

In other news: Zoey is still freaking out about germs. Booger and poo germs are a thing and she's a very careful observer.

Week End

And another weekend has suddenly, abruptly, and mysteriously disappeared. I have no idea what happened. It was Beer:30 Friday and then BOOM! it's Sunday night.

Why is this not a QWERTY keyboard?

So I tried signing up for Hulu Plus Friday night. Why? Because Netflix doesn't have Duck Dynasty. So I found that Hulu Plus had it on their list. Awesome, right?

I signed up online. Then I downloaded it for the Wii because TV is always better ON TELEVISION. I'm weird that way I guess.

After 20 minutes of signing up, logging on, downloading, installing, logging in again, we finally are ready! And we get the error message, "HAHAHAHAH! SUCKER! We're so sorry, but the show you spent 20 minutes trying to watch, we're not going to let you because that's one of the shows you can only watch online. Who the hell watches TV on television? You are SO not in our demographic. Losers."

Everyday I'm shovelin'

And then we ended up watching the ONE EPISODE out of four they had available on my laptop. Then I killed our account. Call me a loser will you...

And check out this little lady over here. A few years ago^[1] I wrote a piece that was all about Sara being a big girl. At the time she was three years old and wanted nothing more than to help me turn the compost. Saturday she was finally big enough to actually use the shovel! Woo hoo! She lost interest pretty quickly.

Sara: "This is kinda boring."

Me: "Yup"

Cupcake Love

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I do hereby announce my candidacy for DAD OF THE EVER!

Dad. Of. The. Eh.Ver.

As in, I did this because I'm... well... awesome. If I had to choose a word it would have to be "awesome".

"Why?" you ask. Because this, right here.

Awesome doesn't quite capture it.

 I had, over the day, developed the best headache ever. As It was a perfectly nice day, of which I am extremely allergic to, I, of course, collapsed into a gel of goo.

I do so love my goo. Eww.

Zoey, my ever so loving and nap interrupting 9-year old, decided that in an effort to cheer me up and make me feel better she'd make me a cupcake with her Girl Gourmet cake thing-a-ma-jig ^(TM).

The Red Velvet expired in March. 2011. While it was cooking our house smelled like decade old Wheat Thins found in the back of the back of the warehouse where old army surplus clothing was stored until "New Management" took over.

Nature Walk!

This entrance is at the back of the church parking lot.

That's right folks, it's NATURE TIME!

For a  field trip we went with one of our homeschool groups to the Edith L. Moore Nature Sanctuary. It was an ideal day too. Although we were under trees most the time, the constant cloud cover was nice too. The temperature was nominal if the humidity was not. What to do? It's Houston.

If you want to go there, there are a half dozen entrances from the surrounding neighborhoods. There isn't an actual entrance entrance. You gotta know somebody. I drove around before finally stopping to ask somebody.

Hello Kitty is EVERYWHERE

A stripped AR-15... and yes, it's real.

She is! 

Check it out.

What little angel wouldn't want one?

Guess which parade he's been to.

She’s on a Ferrari! She’s on wedding dresses, car exhaust pipes, chainsaws and Darth Vader. She’s even on vibrators. (Sorry ladies, I’ve heard you like to use clever euphemisms for these things. Like “plastic boy-friend”, “personal massager”, and “glass of wine”.)

Told ya.

She’s missing in at least one area.

Helicopters.

I’ve checked.

Today on the way home from changing a tire in a random shopping center in Sugar Land, TX the girls were talking about Hello Kitty. They yammered on and on about Hello Kitty. They pretended she was running alongside us. They pretended she was riding on the roof and could hear her walking around.

Zoey: “Daddy? Do you like Hello Kitty?”

Me: “Sure.”

Zoey: “What kind of Hello Kitty do you like?”

Me: “Hello Kitty Helicopter!”

Zoey: “Really? Why?”

Me: “Helicopters are cool! Haven’t you ever seen Airwolf?”

Zoey: “Airplanes are better.”

Me: “Oh really. Why is that?”

Zoey: “Airplanes have bathrooms.”

Me: “I can’t argue with that.”

She wins this round.

2012 Bitch

"Philosophy is the shit, dude." - Socrates

That’s right! In case you didn’t know.

Last Thursday we had our park day with one of the homeschool groups we belong too. This is a good group because it is small, and for the most part all girls my girls’ age.

One of the moms there, Andrea, bought a neat lesson course. It’s philosophy for young elementary aged kids. She wanted to give it a try in a small group and since we met once a week for the park day anyway, it was worth a shot.

We met up at the top of the hill, very scenic, in a large wooden gazebo. The weather was perfect. The ladies and I sat quietly after gathering the children onto a red blanket. Of course the kids are used to running around and generally going nuts on park day, so a took a while to settle them down.

When they finally stopped jumping around like electrons Andrea started the lesson.

Andrea: “Ok. Did your mom or dad tell you what we are doing today?”

Zoey: “No.”

Me: “Yes I did!”

Andrea: “Well, we’re going to read a short story and then talk about it. Is that ok?”

Zoey: “2012 bitch!”

And she said it like she had just dunked over Shaquille O’Neal. Of course all eyes are on me.

My first instinct was to pretend she wasn’t my kid. My second was to shrug and say, “Well… it is.” Instead I said, “I have no idea…”

But one of the other moms came to my rescue. She pointed out it was written in heavy black marker all over the wooden top beams of the gazebo. I hadn’t seen it because I was wearing sunglasses.

All I can say is she knows how to sound out new words. My girls can read.

I believe we've already answered this question.

I Don't Wanna Get Old

Today we went to our home school group park day and had a great time. There’s this park not five minutes from my house that I didn’t even know existed. Awesome playground! It has an interactive water feature. It has trails, cool playground equipment, and a pavilion with a kitchen.

Yes. It has a kitchen.

The girls had such a good time. I didn’t even think to check it out in advance to know there was a water feature, so my kids got wet in their clothes. Fine by me. Zoey met a few kids her age and they hung out together the entire time.

And then we came home.

Lunch time!

Both girls made their own peanut butter and honey sandwich! Sara is becoming quite the independent one.

So, sandwiches were made. Fruit was chosen and served. Sara opted to include a handful of Cheetos just to balance the meal.

And then it happened. Sara experienced a revelation. I don’t know what was going on in her five year old mind, but here’s the ensuing conversation.

Sara: “I don’t wanna get old.”

Me: “Me neither, but I only know one way to avoid that and I have to admit, I’m not too excited about exercising that option.” My kids are smart. They know to ignore me when I talk like that.

Sara: “No. I want to grow up, but I don’t want to get old.”

Me: “Why?”

Sara: “When you get old…” I could see the concern on her face. She put a Cheeto down. Leap of logic… and… “I don’t want to die!”

Me: *choke* “What?” I so was not ready for this.

Sara: “I’m gonna be all alone!” The tears started coming.

She then went into a hysteric gasping list of every family member she knows and how they were going to get old and die. And it wasn’t just that we were all going to die that concerned her, but that she was going to be lonely.

Me: “Sweety. That’s going to be a long time from now. You’ll be all grown up and have lots of friends. You’ll have kids too! And grandkids. You’ll be a gramma! How cool is that? You’ll never be alone!”

Sara: “I don’t wanna die!”

She was inconsolable. The tears. The sobbing. My heart was breaking.

Zoey: “This is making me sad.”

Sara: “Maybe somebody can take me to the doctor when I die…”

Ah. Now she’s looking for the cure. I’d continue with quoting her, but she was sobbing and crying and hic-coughing so much I’m not entirely sure exactly what she said. Needless to say, she drew the conclusion that by the time she got old and died, everyone she knew would already be dead and there won’t be anybody to take her to the doctor. So, now she’s going to die alone. I tried to assure her that when people get hurt or sick, there are always emergency workers and ambulances to take us to the doctor when needed. I also reminded her that she’ll never be alone!

Sara: “I wish everybody could be a ambulance.”

Let me explain this one. She took the word 'ambulance' to mean they were people that don’t die and take sick people to the doctor. I explained to her exactly what and ambulance was and did my best to reassure her that she’ll never be alone, and getting old really isn’t such a bad thing.

She wasn’t having any of that.

Sara: “I don’t want to eat any more of my sandwich.”

Me: “That’s fine, honey. You don’t have to eat it.”

Sara: “I don’t want to eat any more of my Cheetos either.”

Now it’s serious.

I assured her that I’d never let her be alone and would love her forever. The poor girl felt a little better. We canceled lessons for the day and watched cartoons while folding laundry. Sara snuggled up on me pretty much until Mom got home. 

Yeah, we didn’t do much, but I’m exhausted.

Today In Homeschool

And just where the hell have I been?

Busy.

Doing what you ask? You know, it’s been weeks and I haven’t a clue.

Zoey has been studying Asia. I have discovered that geography at a second grade level is pretty loose. To finish the week we made Chicken Fried Rice. Because it’s not at all racist and let’s face it, fried rice is AWESOME.

She mixed. She stirred. She fried. She stir fried. She set the table and served us! She was totally into it.

Serving for four!

I couldn’t have been more proud!

Her sister… well… she didn’t get into it. Not only was she pissed she couldn’t “help” with the cooking, but didn’t like: rice, chicken, broccoli, peas, carrots or corn. Actually, she likes them all, just not “together”.

Sara: “I can’t eat this!”

Me: “This is what’s for dinner. You don’t have to eat if you are not hungry, but if you say you are hungry later, then this is what you will have.”

Notice the distance between dinner and girl.

Sara: “But I want desert! I’ll eat one bite.”

Me: “You will eat what is in your bowl if you want desert.”

Sara: “I’ll eat one bite of chicken, one bite of rice, and one piece of broccoli.”

Me: “That’s good for one bite of Tootsie roll.”

Sara: “Then I’m not gonna eat ANYTHING!”

Me: “OK.”

Sara: *weeping* “Now I’m going to DIE!”

It really was good!

Me: “Yup.”

Seriously, how do you respond to that?

*sigh* I’m gonna have another beer.

Barely able to choke it down.

Just desserts.

The Apology Post

I’m sorry.

Ok. Apparently my world is a little too kooky to share everything.

I promise to never booze and blog at the same time again. Just so you know though, my sober posts aren’t nearly as fun for me.

So here’s a quick look at the past few days. I took the girls to visit their grandparents this weekend. We made it a four day weekend! And why not? Gramma has a pool.

Ahhhh. Country living.

Little Bit likes hanging with Grampa mostly.

Grampa has a nice big shop. He’s been fixing mostly ice machines this summer. He and his buddy were fixing a margarita machine when we got there. I’d have taken a pic, but when those things are apart, they look like the engine part of a lawnmower. It would have taken a practiced eye to see that and say, “Why, that there is a margarita machine!” Sadly, it required a part that had a two week lead time to acquire.

Some things in his shop get used more than others.

Hot.

Oh. And it was hot. Real hot. Freakin’ hot. I’ve got friends in Austin. This week they are taking a few days to go down to Galveston “to get away from the heat”. How hot does it have to be for people to go to a place that gets to 96°F to get away from the heat?

Sara: "I'm tired of working."

And so this morning I had the kids start on their workbooks. Zoey was so excited she did four modules. At the rate she’s going, I’m gonna hafta brush up on my Algebra.

And for the record, I thought my last post was poignant. 

Hi. I'm poignant.

Random Pics

Here's a series of Random Pics. It was this or actually write something.

Arrived a tad early for the July 4 fireworks.

We promised Zoey fireworks for the Fourth of July. Because of our extreme drought and a ban on fireworks, we had to do without. The city of Katy was one of the few places that actually had a fireworks display. We came early.

Way early.

Waaaaaaaay early.

Zoey said, "Take a picture of this cactus!" So I did.

Safety First

My darling loving sister sending a message.

Uno!

This one is funny because they don't really know how to play Uno.

Our bulletin board

In line at the hardware store Post Office

That's right. I cut my own hair.

New chairs.

My in-laws bought new patio furniture.

Unless one of them actually reads my blog, I'm willing to bet the foam covering on the arms and legs will be there forever.

My wife and a tow truck.

This may be the biggest freakin' tow truck I have ever seen. I made my wife stand next to it to give it some scale. She's 5' 1".

We are parked at the mall in The Woodlands. We were attending the THSC conference and killing time before the Tim Hawkins show.

I have no idea why this thing was there.

This is what AAA calls when your heavy equipment (like a crane, or aircraft carrier) breaks down and needs a tow.

Ice pick

I came home from my game night out with the guys to find this sitting on top of the TV.

In our house, the TV tends to be a "catch all" and I'm as guilty as anybody else about leaving random crap up there.

But an ice pick? Turns out Sara had locked and closed the door to the master bedroom. Previous homeowner made it a key lock. Wife and kids were locked out. So Stephanie got out an ice pick... and... well... use your imagination.

I wasn't allow to play with it.

Found on Interwebs. Speaks for itself, I think.

Sara is scared

I ain’t got much today. I’m tired from being up all night. We got back late from the fireworks display. Nice little mini-adventure there that I can’t quite get my thoughts together to write about. I was wired, so I couldn’t go to sleep. But when I did go to bed the girls were in and out of my room so often that I should have started charging them for readmission. It wasn’t until after 5:00 am that I actually got to sleep for a few hours.

In the meantime. Things kids say.

Our darling night owl, Sara, yesterday afternoon had to go to the bathroom.

Sara: “I hafta go to the bathroom.”

Me: “Ok.”

Sara: “I need someone with me.”

Me: “Why? I don’t want to watch you pee.”

Sara: “But I need someone.”

Me: “No you don’t. You go all the time by yourself.”

Sara: “But I’m scared!”

Me: “Of what?”

Sara: “I’m scared of the zombies that are gonna get me.”

Zombies.

Well. There you go.

Hnnnnnnnnn.