Random Thoughts Going Into The Weekend

Just some random crap:^[1]

1. Where are the vast hickory forests we are burning down to smoke all our meat, cheese, sauce & dog chew products?^[2]

2. Every house I visit has nice beautiful windows with the blinds pulled down and closed. Maybe an idea for new houses or renovations could be to close off those openings, have faux windows on the outside with either wall eyes on the inside or high def monitors showing what's on the outside... Oh I'm on to something here.

3. FYI, butter explodes.^[3] In other news, the microwave needed cleaning anyway.

4. Watching a child sleep can be a heartwarming experience. And when they dream, priceless! Until you watch them go through REM with their eyelids open. Then it's creepy.

5. My children were introduced to Nutella this week. So ends my time as a "good" parent. But lunch time did get yummier. It's a word, leave me alone.

*GASP!*  *droooool*

Are You A Real Man?

First of all there is something wrong with you people. What may have been the worst post I’ve written is quickly closing in on first place for the most read post on my blog.

I can’t even imagine why. People are googling it.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in blogging it’s this: When you want traffic on your blog, include zombies.

That’s it.

Snip

So anyway, I was thinking earlier today about blogging and trying to come up with ideas of what to write about. I happened to be searching for my wire cutters. I had no intention of cutting any wires. It was then it occurred to me that if a guy could find at least eleven uses for wire cutters he could qualify himself as a real man without actually having to kill anything.

So here we go. Eleven uses for wire cutters:

 1. Trimming fingernails. They work.

 2. Cutting small branches.

 3. Trimming dead vines in the garden.

 4. Trimming bushes.

 5. Boring small holes in wood.

 6. Stabbing small insects. Or anything really, those things are pointy.

 7. Opening Christmas presents. Seriously, have you ever tried to extract seven Disney princesses from a single package? Bombs are easier to disassemble.

 8. Scraping weather sealant.

 9. Door stop. Just cram that sucker into the jamb on the hinge side.

10. Wire strippers. If you’re careful, it can be done.

11. And of course, cutting wires.

So there you have it. Another well thought out eleven point list you can share with your friends. If you are a man and have done these things with wire cutters you can now count yourself as real.

Most of us think we qualify anyway.

Meanwhile In America

You know what I’m tired of seeing?

“Meanwhile in America” shit. Seriously. I’ve seen stereotyping and these are just… well… wrong!

These pics, posts, and directionless meanderings imply that America is full of fat (super fat, I’m talking makes the news, tear out a wall and remove with a forklift, fat) people that can’t pay the rent, and gang bangers. I’ll readily admit that we’ve got our fair share, but come on.

I've been watching as America haters post shit that implies that Americans hate EVERYBODY. And many of them are Americans!

This post is intended t show that we don't.

1. Americans call themselves "Americans" because "United States of Americans" or "United Statesians" sounds really weird. Besides... it was a name given, not assumed. Please o' please re-read this before googling it and then not understanding it and then flaming me like an ignorant shit. Come ON.. U.S. people are Americans. We called shotgun.

2. When the last great naming of nations happened... people were naming their countries like pets. In the USA, pet names were reserved for the individual states. The word "state" started to mean "part of a whole" and the "rest of the world" meant "democracy coming soon".

3. People in North America wanted a piece of that. Canadians stuck with the Mother Country and Mexico kicked ass. Deal with it. Both are now two of the largest democracies in the world.

4. The U.S. went to war, often, not only to further its own ends, but also to make democracy common and possible.

5. We weren't always successful, and it wasn't for altruistic reasons.

6. The U.S. is not perfect. no one in their right mind would ever call it so. It is a conglomeration of some of the greatest minds this era has ever know. But perfect? No.

7. I'm thinking of a pile of "not perfect" right now.

8.  As a matter of fact, we've had a "pile of perfect" in both the Legislative branch and the Executive branch since 1960.

9. If you haven't figured it out yet, by putting it in "quotes" I'm implying an ironic definition.

10. Message to you Non-Americans... do better... be better... show us how it's supposed to be done. Can't? Well, there you go.

11.  You mean you did? But nobody noticed or cared? Huh. How about that. I think I saw a soccer ball...

And there you go. A perfectly proportioned eleven point list. I had one more, but that would have ruined the symmetry.

Would you believe this is NOT served in the U.S.?