The Lone Ranger!

I wrote a movie review! Woo hoo!

You can find it here, where I occasionally guest post because the lady that runs that blog has seen me naked and figures I owe her recompense.

Or something like that.

Yes... This Post Has Tomatoes

First things first.^[1] The light in the oven went out about 20 minutes after we installed the oven. This was like 8 years ago or so. I've never really thought having a light in the oven was a big deal, so never replaced it.

Last night the light bulb in Sara's Hello Kitty lamp went *pop* and Stephanie went to the light bulb stash^[2] to find a replacement. She chose the package that had a bulb that looked like the one she was replacing.

Stephanie: "Huh. Package says it's an appliance bulb."

Me: "Ovens too?"

Stephanie: "Refrigerators and ovens."

Me: "Sweet. Guess I'll change the bulb then."

She proceeded to choose another bulb and I proceeded to turn changing an oven light bulb into a challenge. As about 2.6% of you might already know, these bulbs are protected by a thick chunk of glass held in place by the most high tech means possible.

It's a wire clip that not only pops off pretty easy, but also comes completely off falling into the racks below. The glass chunk then can fall completely unsupported on to the light bulb itself tearing the bulb from it's screw piece and shattering it into a dozen pieces. I can only assume it's designed to to do this as that is what happened to me.

Well, the filament and mount were still solidly connected to the bottom of the bulb so I thought to just use that to unscrew it.^[3] FYI folks, ovens are designed for the light to turn on when the door opens. Now I needed tools...

Anyhow, the bulb got changed, there were no injuries, and I didn't feel like it so I still need to vacuum the oven.

On to the REAL post!

Nope.

My wife told me I was ready to graduate to the next level of couponing. I had promised her about 6 years ago I'd start helping and she called me on it Tuesday.

My journey was to take me to Dollar General, Target and Walgreens.^[4]

At Dollar General I was on a recon mission. I can do recon.

Stephanie: "Find the Head & Shoulders. If they have the 8-ish oz., take pictures, buy two. Use the coupon."

How to Keep Your Marriage Sane

Also could be titled: How Unlimited Texting Can Save Your Marriage.

Stephanie: Can u take the girls and get the van washed, coupon expires today should be on dry erase board

Me: ok

Me: Damn, it's hot out here.

Me: Bubbles carwarsh is closed.

Me: There's a new PetCo over here.

Stephanie: Yes meant to tell u that

Notice how "Me" uses punctuation? Yeah... just pointing that out.

Me: So I drove to Katy. This one is not an Express. Even though it said it was one on google maps.

Stephanie: What? When did that happen?

Me: Well, that only took an hour and 30 miles. Still have coupon and a dirty car.

Stephanie: Lol u didn't have to go to katy we could just let it expire honey

Editor's note: Right. Yeah. Just let it expire... Right.

Me: Right.

Me: Z is signed up for soccer. Took almost as long as it did to not find an open Bubbles Carwash Express.

Stephanie: Lol good where?

It only now ocurs to me that she might have assumed I was talking about the carwash.

Me: FFPs games will be at Westside High.

Me: Eta?

It's 5:22 pm just wanna know when she's coming home. No answer. And this is what happens when I get ignored.

Me: Sara's already drunk screaming "Woo hoo! Three day weekend!" She's topless too. Zoey is doing lines on a Hello Kitty mirror. She's being safe though! No razor blade. Using a toothbrush.

Me: Dinner is animal cookies and clif bars.

Stephanie: Sweet, literally

Me: Oh. My. Glob! Strippers just showed up! Kinky. Dressed like cops.

Me: Not strippers.

Me: I started to suspect when I tried slipping a $20 into her bra. Thought it weird she was wearing a kevlar vest.

Me: Help! I'm hiding in the neighbors bushes. Shhh! Call 911! I'm being stalked by two gun toting lesbians wearing all blue. They got batman belts too!

Stephanie: Did u drink all my vodka again

Me: Z is so sweet! She just ran outside and yelled, "He went that way!" Pointing in the opposite direction of where I am.

Me: Sara just tackled and throat punched the bitch that stole my $20!

Me: I need a disguise.

Stephanie: Just emailed you one

Perfect

Me: Yes! Hurry too! I'll be the inconspicuous naked guy behind Walmart. Ignore all these conspicuous bastards.

Me: Z & S have each respectfully submitted a request for vampire teeth. Jut putting that out there.

Me: I'm sure CPS will allow them.

Me: Sweet! Pretty blue helicopters!

Stephanie: U r nuts

Me: They can't see me if I don't move. Saw that in a documentary.

Stephanie: Send the slaves out please.

And that last one meant she was home.

See? Perfectly sane interaction between married people. Married to each other, that is. I talk to married people all the time and let's face it, those conversations are boring.