Blogging by Candlelight

This is how Abraham Lincoln did it.

Just like they did it in 1789.

Why 1789? Because:

 1.  They didn’t have electricity.

 2.  For the U.S. it was a pretty big year! Yeah hell it was. And you people don’t have a single clue.

 3.  I’m gonna tell ya.

For those who live in or near the U.S.  ya’ll know that July 4th is a pretty big day. The former 13 British (English… United Kingdomish… Oh come on, who are you people?) Colonies declared their independence in 1776 on that particular day. We fought a war. We won.

I say “we” as in I’m member. Currently. Not that I was involved.

But what happened after that? I mean, we didn’t elect our first president until 1789. What’s up with that? George Washington was a general. A freakin’ war hero. He rode a horse made of crystal. Seriously, why did it take so long to elect a president? The war didn’t take that long to win… did it?

No. The war was over in 1783. Please Google Treaty of Paris.

So what the hell? Who was in charge during those seven years? Who was charge for the six after that!?

Meh… you can read history and learn about the “President of Delaware” and all that crap, but it really amounts to this: NOBODY.

Would you believe we had eight Presidents of the United States BEFORE George Washington? That’s right. Why don’t they teach THAT in school? Ha!… Why I homeschool my kids.

Let’s move on. GW was elected and took office as the first President of the U.S. under the Constitution (notice how I capitalized that? Yeah, I’m a patriot) in 1789. Before that we had the Articles of Confederation. Holy CRAP. Is this post educational or what. Crapsnacks.

So. 1789. No electricity. No Federal Union. No President (elected January… didn’t take office until April… no e-mail, no… well.. mail, seriously Ben was still working on it) until about mid-year.

Would you look at all the links in this post? Shit. Seriously, if I didn’t know better I’d say this was some sort of educational essay or something.

Hell, I’m writing in the dark. Drinking… something, you saw the pic, and I’m sure this is how Abraham Lincoln got his start. I’m so ON TO SOMETHING HERE.

Thank you Duracell or Energizer or whoever invented battery backups. Seriously. That thing has been beeping for hours. That’s what keeps me on the internet! Oh! And thank you AT&T for selling me access through the good old fashioned telephone lines. And…

HELLS YEAH! The juice came back on at 9:41 pm. EXACTLY 15 minutes before estimated. You’ve got the Scotty scenario down pat. See quotes below:

Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: Look, Mr. Scott, I'd love to explain everything to you, but the Captain wants this spectrographic analysis done by 1300 hours.

[La Forge goes back to work; Scotty follows slowly]

Scotty: Do you mind a little advice? Starfleet captains are like children. They want everything right now and they want it their way. But the secret is to give them only what they need, not what they want.

Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: Yeah, well, I told the Captain I'd have this analysis done in an hour.

Scotty: How long will it really take?

Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: An hour!

Scotty: Oh, you didn't tell him how long it would “really” take, did ya?

Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: Well, of course I did.

Scotty: Oh, laddie. You've got a lot to learn if you want people to think of you as a miracle worker.

I have a lotta respect for the Scotty Philosophy.

Where was I going with this?

…

Meh. I take it as a token of awesomeness that I can tie power out-ages, George Washington, Ben Franklin and Star Trek all together in one post.

Well!? What do you think? Was GW awesome? Ben? John Hanson?

Yeah…me too. 

"I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I drink IT ALL!" - John Hanson

UPDATE: We lost power again at 11:30pm. Thank you Center Point.

What's In A Word?

Of course it's not.

Well, I’ll tell ya.

A lot.

I know what you’re thinkin’. I’m about to go off on profanity laced rant about profanity. Well, I’m not. I think. I’m kinda just typing as I go.

All while watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Thank you USA!

The network. Not the country. Although it was made in the US. I think. Oh hell, I don’t care.

All franchise films need a Temple of Doom. Terminator: And The Temple of Doom. Lord of the Rings: And the Temple of Doom. Diary of a Wimpy Kid: And the Temple of Doom. It all makes sense.

Back to the point. What’s in a word?

I have two words I’d like to talk about right now.

#1: THE

That’s right. The word “the”. Here’s why it’s so important.

You meet somebody at a party. You’re getting drunk. No, wait, you’re getting hammered. You meet Jay Leno. Hold on… Jay Leno? THE Jay Leno? No? Just Jay Eustace Leno. Yes, he is Jay Leno. Just not THE Jay Leno.

See how “the” works? Even when hammered, you know the difference between Jay Leno and THE Jay Leno. I am SO sorry THE Jay Leno.

Actually… no I’m not. If I met you at a party, I’d probably be getting hammered and asking you if you were “the” Jay Leno. Over and over. My memory ain’t so good when I’ve been drinking. Actually, it ain’t so good when I haven’t which may account for why I yammer on constantly about things I’ve already talked about when I’ve been drinking. Or so I’m told.

Let’s involve profanity now. I’m going to use the word “shit”. Not really a bad word. Really.

“Wow, Honey. Your cooking is shit.” Not a nice thing to say.

“Wow, Honey. Your cooking is the shit.” Nice thing to say.

I have seen exactly two movies with Kate Capshaw in it. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Space Camp. That’s it.

I get distracted easily.

Heh. Her character’s name in Doom is Wille. Heh.

#2: DRINKING (I know what you’re thinking and shut up.)

Talk about a powerful word. More powerful than “the”. Seriously.

If I said, “I’ve been drinking a lot lately.” The implication is that I’ve been hitting the bottle. And those of you who know me might assume that I’m becoming an alcoholic. I’m a homebrewer, so it’s pretty rare that I’m out of beer. And I likes the whisky. Mmmm, whiskey.

The simple truth is I’m drinking a lot of Crystal Light. Stephanie bought 900 single packets and I’m going through them like Halloween candy. So, I’m drinking a lot lately. Of water. Lotsa water. Flavored with Crystal Light. I think the marketing term is “enhanced”.

Someone says: “I quit drinking.” Obviously they mean they quit drinking alcohol. If they quit drinking EVERYTHING they’d die. Even if it was Crystal Light. Why would anyone quit drinking Crystal Light? I ask you.

How many roller coasters were based on the mine car chase in Doom? I wonder. Probably a bunch. Six Flags had a ride, as I recall. It was better if you had been drinking.

Then it was the shit.

She quit drinking. Obviously.

What Is Wrong With You People?

Seriously!

I just checked my stats and the worst post I've ever written is like 30 page views from being my most viewed post.

Why?

Zombies. And Facebook. Seriously.

Zombie + Facebook = being #4 in a google search for "Zombie apocalypse team".

Wow.

From around the world. Japan. Scotland. Finland. The U.K., Australia, Belize, Salt Lake City, Philadelphia, San Antonio, Somewhere in Georgia (US), Wisconsin, and Bangkok. That's in the last 48 hours.

I swear, if you don't knock it off my next post is going to be about zombie turduckens and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.

Wrap it in bacon and I will follow you through the gates of hell. Period.

The Space Shuttle, Me & The Devil's Advocate

I was up and awake this morning to catch the final descent of the Space Shuttle. Ok, it wasn’t specifically to catch the Shuttle landing, but I was up. As I read my twitter feed and news feed and all things Shuttle related I began to have a bit of an argument with myself.

I do that when I’m up at 5 am.

As I was following Neil deGrasse Tyson’s 900 twitters (he doesn’t know how to stop without saying, “I’m stopping now”), I started to develop an antagonistic attitude toward those short viewed, shallow thinking, self-serving, self-righteous, anti-education, keep-the-people-ignorant, people who run our country and the assholes who decided to shut down the shuttle program.

That’s actually how the argument started. When talking to people and opposing views come up, I always choose devil’s advocate. That is because if I agree with the person I’m talking to, it really isn’t any fun. It gets really weird when that person is me.

So here’s how it went down:

Me: “This is so wrong. I absolutely hate those (see above) people that shut down the shuttle program.”

Devil’s Advocate: “Why?”

Me: “They shut down the shuttle program! Haven’t you been paying attention?”

DA: “Not really. No. Why is shutting down the shuttle program a bad thing?” Notice how DA does not CAPITALIZE the word Shuttle? Disrespectful jerk.

Me: “Dude. The Shuttle has been the backbone of the US space program for 30 years. Now we’re backboneless.”

DA: “You mean they are shutting NASA down?”

Me: “Well, no. They still do stuff.”

DA: “What, exactly? Do you even know?”

Me: “They’re working on important stuff! Like that new telescope.”

DA: “You mean the James Webb Space Telescope?” How is it he’s always more informed than me?

Me: “Yeah! That’s the one. To replace the Hubble.”

DA: “I think they’re shutting that down.”

Me: “SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!”

DA: “Dude chill.”

Me: “We’re talking about the Space Shuttle. I don’t care how old your car is, you don’t deep-six it without getting a new car. How do they get into space now?”

DA: “You bum a ride from your buddies. Space Buddies. That movie was sooo bad.”

Me: “The Russians? Not cool.”

DA: “Or the Chinese. They’re going to the moon.” He shrugged like, no-big-deal.

Me: “SHUT UP!”

DA: “And isn’t it waaay cheaper to pay our way on the Soyuz?” Sure, he capitalized that.

Me: “Well, yeah, but that’s not the point. The USA was the leader in space technologies and advancements. The USA lead the way!”

DA: “Didn’t the Russians have a space shuttle too? They killed it because it was dangerous and expensive. The Soyuz is proven safe, efficient, and affordable.”

Me: “Dude. Their shuttle was made of plywood and Elmer’s glue. Of course it was dangerous.”

DA: “And expensive.”

Me: “Well, exploring space is going to be expensive. We still need it.”

DA: “So why can’t we hitch a ride with Russians?”

Me: “BECAUSE THEY ARE RUSSIANS! Damn it! Haven’t you seen Red Dawn?”

DA: “I’m not getting up with you at 5 am anymore. You are completely unreasonable.”

Me: “And you are an asshole!”

Dammit. He always wins.